The blessing and curse of a pacifier

Ever since Kensi was born, then again when William was born, Grant and I have gotten into the bad habit of running to them when they start to fuss instead of letting them self soothe themselves.  It started because after Kensi was old enough to go into her own room, we put her in with Isabelle instead of separating them.  The reason was because we wanted to keep the spare bedroom available and also because we thought the girls would grow up to love sharing a room together.  Our original idea was to have them share a room until one of them says they don't want to anymore.  But now, looking back, I can see where that may not have been the best idea in one way.  We were so scared that Kensi would wake up Isabelle by crying that we ran to their room at the slightest sound to put her paci back in her mouth.  We never gave her that opportunity to learn to self soothe herself.  What we probably should have done was to let her learn to self soothe, and if Isabelle woke up, deal with that.  But we've been so sleep deprived over the course of the 4 years that we've had kids that sleep ended up being more of a priority.  By the time we realized Kensi hadn't learned how to self soothe herself, she was already more than a year old.  We started backing off more, but still on the edge of our seats because of Isabelle.  Now that Kensi is 3 years old, she can go back to sleep, but not as well as Isabelle can.  Our fault, no doubt.  Hopefully as she gets older, she can get better at falling back asleep instead of getting up to immediately come find us. 

Once William had taken to paci's to help him fall asleep, I almost immediately started thinking of when we'd pull them and take them away.  With the girls, it was when Isabelle turned 2.  Then we pulled hers and Kensi's at the same time.  William is only 8mo, so he's a little young yet (in my eyes anyway) to have them taken away, but I have started the weaning process.  With the girls, we did it cold turkey because Isabelle would cry for her paci because she was old enough to depend on it to fall asleep.  William hasn't gotten to that point yet, so I figured we could do it a little slower.  So starting a few days ago, I purposefully didn't give him his paci when I put him down for the night.  He talked and babbled to himself, and fussed for a little bit before falling asleep. There was no screaming or crying. It was actually pretty surprising!  He stayed down the entire night too. There was no waking up at 4a, and me needing to give it back to him. It was really nice!

That's my plan as of now.  For naps and bedtime, I wont give it to him to start with. If he really starts crying, then I'll give it to him. During the day, he'll have it like normal too. Then, over the course of time, I'll only give it to him for like naps or something. I'll figure that part out once I get there. I'm not exactly close yet so I have some time. My hope is that by the time I take them away totally, he will have learned to self soothe himself to where it wont be that big of a deal. I can hope, right??

There are times...

There are times when I think that I just can't do it anymore. That I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel like I'm royally fucking up and that it would be better if I went back to work. I constantly worry if I'm doing the right thing by my kids, if they're going to grow up to be good, kind adults. I fear that I'm failing them and I'm not as good at this as I think I am. 
But then Kensi will cuddle up to me on the couch, burrow under my arm so I have my arm wrapped around her, pat me and say "I love you" or Isabelle will run up to me, throw her arms around my waist, and kiss my stomach and give me a big grin or I'll catch William looking at me and he gives me the biggest grin....then I know I'm doing good. My kids are my barometer to how I am doing. I second guess myself all the time, but my 3 little Gremlins always show me that I'm a damn good mother. I made my "mommy rounds" before I came up to bed, and all 3 of them are sleeping so soundly and so sweetly. I cherish those moments. I'm really big on the little things in life make the biggest impact, and that definitely holds true. Im sure I will continue to doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But I'm also damn sure that every day my kids will show me that I am. I am still amazed at how much my kids love me, and it staggers me some days. They give me so much and I wouldn't change my life for anything. My family is my life and I'm so blessed that I'm the one they call Mom.

To my Izzybelle.....

My peanut, today is your first day of Preschool.  It's a very important day; not only because it's your first day of school, but also because it's your first day out in the "real world".  Today, you start to make decisions and decide who you are going to be without Mommy or Daddy there to guide you.  It's only for 2 1/2 hours 3 days a week, but it's enough.  I will not be there to tell you what is right and what is wrong.  I won't be there to tell you that it's ok to raise your hand to answer a question.  I won't be there to tell you that you need to raise your hand to answer a question.  I leave you in the care of others.  It is a very big day.

I have always known that I cannot shield you from everything all the time.  You have been with me every single day since you were around 2.  The decision your dad and I made to pull you and Kensi out of daycare was the best decision we have made.  You have learned so much from me and your dad, just as we have learned so much from you.  But now, I must hand the reigns over to someone else for a little while. 

You are going to learn so much, and for that I am extremely excited for you.  You are going to start making friends, and Daddy and I really hope they become life long friends.  You are going to learn life lessons that I cannot teach you.  You are going to learn that there are bad, naughty people in the world.  But you are also going to learn that there are very kind people in the world too. I have tried to instill in you a kindness that others may not have. I hope they can learn from you.

My baby, today is the first day of the next chapter in your life.  I hope you love it and are excited each and every (school) day to go back!

All my love,
Mommy

I suck lol

I'm a firm believer in chores.  I had them growing up, and I like to think that I am good at cleaning and whatnot because of it.  I can clean up my house pretty quick when I know someone's coming over.  When Grant and I were talking about chores, I knew I wanted it to be similar to how I did it growing up.  I have 4 brothers so our chores were probably a bit different than those that had like 2 kids. 
When I was growing up, each kid had a nightly kitchen chore; wash dishes, dry dishes, load/unload the dishwasher, and clean counters then sweep the floor.  Logan is the youngest so he got to clear and wash the table.  Every week, and I believe it was Sundays, whatever kitchen chore you had corresponded to a "house" chore.  So like if you washed dishes, you cleaned the living room.  Drying dishes equaled cleaning both bathrooms.  Dishwasher equaled *I think* dusting...and if any of my brothers actually read this... could you tell me because I cant remember and it's going to bug me.  Counters and floors equaled folding and putting away laundry. Now that I'm older, it seems like a good system!
With 3 kids, I'd like for our family chores to be something similar, but since Izzy is only 4, I figured I'd start small.  So her chore is to bring her hamper down to the basement on laundry days.  She also has to make her bed every day, pick up toys at the end of the day, and put away her clothes when I put them on her bed.  Since Kensi is 3, she hasn't really had any chores yet. She helps Izzy pick up toys and also puts her dishes away after meals. Sounds easy peasy, right? Well, I apparently didn't anticipate how "hard" it would be to enforce it.  The only one I seem to be consistent on is the putting the clothes downstairs.  But I forget damn near every day to have them make their beds. Hell, I've even forgotten to get them to brush their teeth and hair in the morning after they get ready for the day.  With so many other things on my mind, and even more recently, it just seems like those little things are slipping through the cracks.  Half the time, I end up making their beds or picking up their toys at the end of the day. 
I have such good intentions with the chores, but I seem to be failing a little bit at that.  :)  Tomorrow is laundry day and today I remembered to have the girls do their teeth and hair, and also make their beds. Maybe I can keep the momentum going and really get into the habit of reminding them until they (hopefully) just know to do it on their own.  That part is probably a pipe dream, but at least maybe I can make it a habit of telling/reminding them so they know it's coming and aren't surprised when I tell them to.  Once they get older and Grant and I start introducing more chores, they'll have already gotten used to doing some things at certain times and it won't be a fight.  One can hope, right??

A Look Inward

I've been talking to my cousin and a friend of mine about wine.  By now, I hope, you guys know how much I love wine. But then my cousin started getting into cheese, too. I love cheese, but I've never had the "fancy cheese" like gouda or anything like that that gets paired with wine. It made it harder for me to stay in the conversation because I don't have much, if anything, to contribute. Not that it's new to me. I seem to have this same problem. It's always made me feel like I'm not as....educated would probably be the best word for this....as others. I struggle with this a lot.  Sometimes I feel like I hadn't/haven't really done anything with my life, before my family. I never finished college or got a career. I just kept staying at dead end (for me) jobs that just paid the bills. I think of 3 of my brothers that finished college, got their careers, and I always wonder if they're disappointed in me. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be in a field to where I'd help people; teacher, doctor, vet, or phycologist were what I kept going to. But in the end, I decided on something I'd never remotely thought of before, went two years, and dropped out. What if I had finished?  Maybe I'd feel smarter and not so unsure of myself. Having my family has helped in that respect. It's given me more of an identity and a purpose. I love being a mother and a wife. I love staying home with my kids.  If I never had to work again, I'd be more than fine with that.  But some part of me wishes I would have finished college or studied more things. I know what you're going to say; "But Kris, you can still go back!". While yes, in theory I can...but at this point in my life I feel like that ship has sailed. Maybe down the road I'll feel differently, but that's where I'm at right now.

**Disclaimer**
I'm nowhere near unhappy with my life.  Just some things that always bother me a little

A new type of stranger danger...for me

I hadn't really thought about this at the Fargo house because our back yard wasn't really accessible by any other means than the driveway, and you couldn't exactly sneak back there.  The back yard we have now can be seen by 3 different sides; the north side that faces Cass County 18, the back, and the front yard.  Before we got the fence, anyone could just walk into our back yard at any time.  Since we got the fence, I haven't worried one bit about the girls playing back there without me or Grant present since that's what the fence was for.  But since the city has been doing the roads and there have been tons and tons of construction workers out there, I've been a little more observant of them.  It dawned on me this morning that anyone could walk up to the gate in the front and get the girls' attention without me knowing.  It could be just that I've been living in Fargo for too long, or all the news stories I read/heard about where things like that were happening in Fargo...I'm not sure.  But I told the girls that if anyone tries to talk to them over the fence to come get Mom or Dad right away.  Nobody has ever tried to talk to any of us when we're outside, and all the workers just have done their jobs...but now that the thought is in my head... it made me really stop and think.  Isabelle's at the age where she can understand stuff like that.  So I guess I get to (at some point) have that talk with her about strangers and how you don't really talk to them and certainly never leave with them.  It makes my stomach clench at the thought of someone trying anything with my kids, and if that ever happens you can bet your sweet ass I would unleash a crazy like no one has ever seen from me before.. but we moved here for that slower pace of life, and that (I hope) friendlier neighborhood. 

I honestly don't think I need to worry about it as much as I started to, but I would be remiss as a parent if I didn't keep things like that on the back burner.  My kids are good kids and they already come run to me if anything happens.  Let's hope it always stays that way!!

The things you do or say....

Every morning, I have basically the same routine...not intentional, it's just how it worked out.  After I watch my show, I usually get in the shower and get dressed for the day.  So I get out of the shower, am heading upstairs when I figure I should grab the clothes and bring them up too.  As I'm grabbing them, I ask the girls if they're ok.  I ask it the same way, every time; "you girls ok?".  It's kind of my way of asking if they need anything...a snack, or something to drink...ect.  I must ask it a lot because as I asked it this time, Isabelle says "Why do you say that a lot?".  When I asked what she meant, she said "you ask if me and Kensi are ok".  I guess I hadn't realized how much I ask it during the day...but after she said that, I stopped and thought about it.  I do ask it quite a bit, and always when I haven't been in the same room as them for a period of time. 

It's funny how, as a parent, I seem to do or say certain things at certain times.  Isabelle getting older and able to understand things more really brings it out.  She was playing with her babies one day and she made one of them do something naughty.  She then had it face her and says "I don't think so!".  Yup, that's a dead ringer for me.  I do that a lot when the girls are doing something they're not supposed to be.  Another one is "are you serious??" when it's something a little worse.  Hearing Isabelle say the things I do has really made me realize how I speak, and how often I say things.  Now, they're nothing bad.  I don't usually swear, I've toned that down a lot.  But it has slipped out.  Usually when I hurt myself or get upset about something... like yesterday, I was opening the door and it hit my foot.  Without thinking, I yelled out "SHIT!".  Isabelle, with her ever curious mind, asks "mom why did you say 'shit?'".  I told her I got hurt and she says "oh, is that a mommy word?" Told her it was, she said ok and that was that lol not too often does she say it to get a reaction or because she thinks it's funny.  Thankfully she understands and respects that there are some words that mommy and daddy say that she cant right now.  It makes my life a little easier. 

Her picking up on things I say or do is turning out to be a little bit of a lesson for me.  Reminds me that there are little ears always listening and little eyes are always watching.  I haven't had to radically change my behavior or anything, but it's nice to have that to keep me in check. 

New house...new chapter

It seemed like it would take forever and I was beginning to worry it would never happen.  But it did.  Grant and I are finally homeowners!  We finally bought a house!  During our search, we were really starting to worry that we would have to settle on damn near everything we wanted in a house in order to just get one.  The house that we were renting was going to be put on the market, and with no concrete date or even timeframe, we felt that we should find one sooner rather than later.  So the search began.  Now, one of the MAJOR things that we wanted was to not be in Fargo or West Fargo.  We wanted to be either in the country or in a smaller town, but still stay in ND.  We were both born in ND and it just feels like home.  Our radius was no more than 30 miles away from Fargo.  We didn't want to raise our kids in the city.  There have been too many reports of bad things and it was just getting worse.  Crime was starting to creep closer to our house, and when someone tried to come through the front door at like midnight one night, that was the nail in the Fargo coffin.  We started looking pretty damn hard.  Thankfully we had gotten set up to buy a house over the winter and had started looking at that time.  But if you're not looking in Fargo/West Fargo/Moorhead, the inventory drops way down.  We were finding some things, but either the price was too high, the house too small, or it just didn't work for our family.  We are now a family of 5 and a 2 or 3 bedroom house with no potential of adding rooms just wouldn't work, which is a lot of what we were finding. If we had been looking in the city, we would have found something within a month or two.  But we weren't so we had to hold out for something more.  Once we had a timeframe of when the house was going up for sale, we used that as kind of our D Day in a way.  It took longer than we would have liked, but we finally found our home. 
I love owning a house.  Granted, we've only been here for about a month, but still. I love being able to change stuff.  Renting the house was great, for a while.  But after some time, you figure out things that you do/do not want in a home.  Like I found out that I hate claw foot tubs as showers.  As a stand alone bath, they'd be amazing!  But having to have 2 shower curtains makes it feel really closed in.  After 4 years of showering in a claw foot tub, I started fantasizing about a normal shower/tub combo. I also realized how much I missed having carpet in the living room.  I know that some people would kill for gorgeous hardwood floors all over their house.  But as a mom to young kids, I dreamt more of carpet. When you hear your child's head bang on the hardwood, you die a little inside.  It sounds so bad and you're sure that they're going to scream.  It usually sounds so much worse than what it is. But when you first hear the sound, your heart stops for a minute...or at least mine did.  Every. Single. Time.
With renting, any time something big breaks down (plumbing, furnace...ect), we'd have to call the owner to get it fixed.  It's really nice to know that if something like that does happen, we don't have to wait for the owner to find time to call someone in to fix it.  We can either do it ourselves (or let's be real, Grant would be the one doing it lol I'd just be watching), or make the call right away.  That's not to say the owner took forever to do it, that's not it at all.  I'm just saying it's nice that we don't have the middle man. 
It's the perfect location, for me, as well. One of the big things I wanted was either in my old stomping grounds (Casselton/Mapleton) or Grant's (Colfax)...that was big for me.  We got lucky and found one in Casselton, and it's right next to the school! The kids' walk to school will take all of 3 minutes, at most.  I love that.  I had a dream of being able to walk the kids to and from school.  This is even better!!  When they get old enough, I can just watch them from my front steps.  Whatever job I get after they all start school, I'm still going to make sure I see them off to school and also be home when they get done with school.  That's also really important to me.  If I could, I'd just be a stay at home mom/wife even after they start school, but I promised Grant I'd get back into the working world to help pay bills since the kids wont be home 24/7 with me.  But as long as I get to be home before and after school, I'm still calling that a win!

We've been dreaming of our own house for a few years now.  Renting that house was a huge blessing for us because it gave us the opportunity to start raising our family in a house rather than an apartment.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with raising a family in an apartment, but that's just not our style.  But after 4 years of renting, it was time.  We had had enough with renting anything and were more than ready to own.  We have so many things we want to do, and have even started a list.  Right now, and I'm not even exaggerating, there are 52 items on that list.  From the smallest thing like redoing shelves in a closet, to the biggest things like doing bump outs in the upstairs and making that a full upstairs.  But you know the most glorious part?  We have time.  Since we were lucky enough to find our "forever home", we have umpteen years to do the things we want.  We have truly found a house that we WANT to make our home.  You just can't beat that!

When is a good age...

I see this question a lot, and have asked it myself many, many times.  Having kids so young, I never know what a good age would be for certain things.  The one I saw most recently is when should kids start to have more independence?  Since my kids are all under the age of 5, I don't have any experience with this personally, but I do have an idea of when I think good ages would be.  For instance, my girls play outside by themselves already, and they're 4 and 3.  Granted, we do have a fenced back yard with a gate so they cant get out, but we don't let them play in the front yard by themselves.  Isabelle demonstrated why last night when she went running towards the road.  Now, she was going to the grass that's between the road and the sidewalk, but still.  There was a car coming, and she knows she's not supposed to go running that way unless Grant or I am with her.  But I don't plan on that being the case forever.  She already knows she's not supposed to do that, so I figure that when she can really actually behave out there, she should be able to play in the front yard by herself by the time she gets to that 7 - 10 age.  My best friend has a 10 year old, and I kind of base things off of her in a way.  She's a really good kid, and knows what she can and cant do.  Now, I live in Fargo where the cars aren't exactly slow in my neighborhood and where I'm constantly worried about something happening to my kids.  But once we get to Casselton (hopefully as long as things go smooth that'll be next week!!), I wont be quite so worried about it.  That's one of the things I love about living in a small town.  You still have the same worries as you do in Fargo, but I don't think quite as many.  When I lived in Mapleton, I used to ride my bike all over town by myself for hours.  My parents never had to worry about me.  Granted, this was 20 years ago and times have changed.  But you get where I'm going with this.  I wanted to live somewhere where I'd be ok if my kids took their bikes out for a while.  Hell, even now I see kids riding their bikes and they look like they're under 10.  I don't think there's a specific age where you can be like "ok, you're 7 now so you can do xx things".  It's more of just a question of when are they mature/responsible enough to do it...and also are you giving them a chance to show you they can be responsible enough.  It'd be kind of hard for the girls to learn what they can and cannot do if I never give them the chance to learn.  How are they supposed to know that they cant go on the road unless they push that boundary and mom or dad push it back?  That's something else to consider. 

With things like electronics, I have a harder time with that.  I'm old school so I'm thinking I wont give the kids cell phones or iPads or things like that until they're like 13 or whatever.  But I also don't want them to be the only kids without those things which causes them to be bullied or teased.  Kids are such assholes these days that someone cant be remotely different than they are without repercussions.  Pisses a mom off!!  So we might have to give a little bit on that, but we'll cross that road when we get to it.  It'll depend on where things are at when the time comes.  I don't like the idea of kids staying inside all day playing video games or on their phones or on an iPad.  I want our kids to go outside as much and as often as they can.  To go explore the bushes and grass to see what kind of bugs live there.  To go get dirty and play and let their imaginations run rampant.  It's easier now since they're too young to have a cell phone or anything like that. It's going to get harder the older they get, but hopefully we can keep that love of being outside alive and well in them.  We love camping, and the girls had so much fun last year when we went, so hopefully that'll help. 

I love that I have friends with kids of all ages so I can get suggestions and ideas from them.  But ultimately it's going to be up to me and Grant to determine when our kids are old enough for things.  It's going to be hard with some things, but we also know that we need to let them go a little bit so they can spread their wings.  We cant watch them every minute of every day, waiting on the sidelines to swoop in and get them out of any situation they might find themselves in..and I'm talking like getting up on something that's not too high up and not knowing how to get down or falling down and getting a scrape...that kind of thing.  Obviously if they're in real danger you better believe I'll do all sorts of swooping!  But you get my drift.  If we want our kids to be well rounded and mature and responsible, we have to, at some point, step back and trust in the fact that we did good as parents.  Otherwise, we'll have kids that never learn to take care of themselves, and I don't know about you guys...but I don't want that.

Post baby milestone!

Reached another milestone in my road to getting my body back.  This one is as sad as it is happy for me.  As of about a week ago, I am officially done pumping my breast milk.  I made it all of 3 months before I was just done.  My original plan was to pump or at least freeze enough to get William through his first year so we didn't have to do formula at all.  I really wanted to do that and I was determined to do it.  But I always forget how much I dislike pumping once I get into the thick of it and the shininess of pumping for my new baby wears off. 

I really hate how my nipples are sensitive ALL THE DAMN TIME. I could barely stand to have my towel touch them after a shower or it'd hurt. I think that might be the worst thing about it. Although, having my world basically revolve around pumping isn't that fun either.  I had to plan everything around when I needed to pump.  I had two funerals to go once William was born, and I had to bring the pump with and pump in some sort of room at least once both times.  Everyone was super understanding when I asked if there was somewhere I could pump, and I'm really grateful for that.  I'm not ashamed that I had to ask or anything, it was just really inconvenient. 
Wearing normal bras never felt comfortable so I just wore sports bras the entire time.  They never felt like they fit right and I didn't like the feeling of when my milk letdown (built up so much that it just came out to relieve the pressure), it was always a very odd feeling.  Big hugs were totally out of the question because they'd hurt too much, and that made me really sad.  I'm a total hugger!!  I love to hug and for Grant to have to watch how hard he hugged me really sucked.  We're used to those full body, damn near crushing you type of hugs.  I love that we can do those again! 
I wasn't a fan of having to make sure I still watched how much caffeine or alcohol I drank in case it messed with the milk.  I missed having more than one cup of coffee or a pop or two throughout the day.  I had to limit myself to either pop or coffee, but not both.  I'm a total coffee drinker and I love having a few cups in the morning.  Only being able to have one just wasn't the same. When we'd go out to eat, I'd have to stick with water (and I'm not a fan to begin with) because the only caffeine free stuff most places would have isn't diet, and I don't drink regular pop.  I also missed those end of day type drinks with Grant while we had a bonfire or just had a great day. It wasn't all the time, but those days where a beer sounded amazing...I had to make sure to watch how much I drank. Now, I wasn't getting plastered by any means, but having a few was sometimes out of the question because it made me nervous.  I had planned on getting those test strips to see if it had affected my milk, but I never got around to it. But now I don't have to worry about that. My biggest worry is making sure I don't wake up hung over in the morning. The thought of being even remotely hung over when the kids start getting up any time after 6a is enough to keep me in check. It was hard to go out for a drink with a friend, too. Granted, that hardly happened, but it wasn't because I didn't have opportunities.  I could have asked Tab or Heather if they wanted to go get a drink, but what fun is that when you have to make sure you pump right before you go and to watch how long you're gone for fear of getting too full?  Of course, there was always that worry in the back of my mind of how much I had.  It just took away from being out and about.
The whole process of pumping made me feel a bit like a cow being hooked up to get the milk.  After a while, I just really started to dislike it.

With all the negatives that came with pumping, for me, there are two really big positives.  First and foremost is the fact that my kids were able to have all the antibodies and things that my immune system gave them through the milk.  That's a big one considering how many kids get sick up here during the winter.  Cant really give them much in the way of medicine, and it also helps their body learn how to fight off the viruses itself.  Their bodies would learn just fine with formula, but my milk gave them a boost. 
The other big thing is cost.  I cannot deny the fact that I was saving our family a lot of money by not having to buy formula.  I had no problem producing and I could have went the entire year with no problems.  With us buying a house and just getting ahead in life, that was huge.  Formula costs an arm and a leg, and I was hoping to bypass all that.

In the end, I cant say I'm completely sad to be done pumping.  I'm more happy about it than anything.  I'm sad that I couldn't keep going for the full year, or at least a little longer than 3 months.  With having so much stress with the house hunting and the fact that our deadline was moved up by a few months, the stress of having William and learning our new normal, plus stress with having lost family members....it just became too much for me.  Something had to give, and pumping was it.  Part of me feels like I'm letting Grant down by stopping so soon when he really wanted me to get through the whole year, but I'm trying to remind myself that I also did this for me too.  For my sanity and for the sake of my family too.  Nobody is going to be happy if I get stressed or depressed or just start straight up hating every minute of being hooked up and not being able to hide it.  I feel it is better to stop before I get to that point.  I'm also trying to remember that I'm not a bad mom for stopping so soon too.  William isn't going to be hurt by switching to formula after the milk runs out.  He'll still get what he needs, and it's not like we'll go broke buying formula. 

I am very grateful that I could produce enough milk for all the kids for however long I lasted pumping.  But I would be lying if I said that I'm going to miss it.  If I'm honest, I would have been happier doing formula right away, but I know how important it was to Grant that I pump or nurse, and how much good it would do for William.  I'm much happier now that I have my body back completely.  When it comes down to it, I like to think that's most important.

Today was..... not a good day

I knew going into being a stay at home mom that there would be bad days.  I'm not naïve enough to think that it's all sunshine and rainbows.  Sometimes the bad days aren't too bad, and some days they're just plain awful.  Today was kinda in the middle, but heading toward that awful end.  It started out good!  The girls got their own breakfast (and we are now out of applesauce), they played a lot while I was puttering in the kitchen, and William was his happy self.  Then just slowly throughout the day, it got progressively worse.  Kensi just started having accident after accident after accident, William was doing his whole eat 2 to maybe 2.5oz then only napping for like an hour, Isabelle basically stopped listening and started being naughty....ect.  It just seemed like someone flipped a damn switch!  Kensi was getting tired and that doesn't help.  You can always tell when she's really tired because any time she falls or gets bumped or anything, she just cries like she's really hurt.  So I got to deal with that too.  It was just all at once.  Was really hoping Grant would be home at a normal time so that I could get a break.   I was going to have him get the kids in bath and bed so I could just chill downstairs.  But I guess that was just asking the Parenting Gods for too much.  He's gone for the night so it was all me.  Figured I'd skip the bath since they didn't get all that dirty being we were indoors, but do the brush teeth and get jammers on.  Apparently that was the VERY wrong thing to do.  Took me an hour to get them to stay in bed and laying down long enough to fall asleep.  The rest of the time Kensi kept getting out of bed, then racing back in when she heard me coming.  Then Izzy got in on the action.  You know in the movies how the steam comes out of the persons ears when they're really mad?  Ya, that was me.  I felt like my head was about to explode and I was going to lose my shit.  William, at least, went down really well.  The only win I had today was the fact that both girls ate a really good supper. 
Now that they're in bed and I can finally breathe again, I'm going to nurse the last glass of wine in my bottle, grab my yarn to work on Kensi's blanket, and read some more while listening to Jazz.  I need to get myself re-centered again.  I still feel really wound up.  Guys, pray for me that both girls stay down all night and that William has a really good night.  I need it!

Post baby emotions

William is just over 2 months old now, and we've really started getting into a new rhythm.  Of course, we had been in one before, but since he's growing so fast, he's also starting to stay awake more and more so I have to switch up how I do things.  Right now, he's laying in his pack n play playing with that toy bar that goes over it.  I added the hanging monkey that usually goes on his car seat, and man is he having a blast!  It makes me really happy that he's starting to play a little more, and it isn't just he's awake for 5 minutes after eating then falls back asleep.  Granted, that was really nice too because I got A TON of stuff done right away. 

Anyway, I digress.  Back to the topic: 
I was a bit worried after I had him that I would get postpartum depression.  I hadn't with the other girls, but with William I did feel a little differently than normal.  With the girls, I bounced back pretty quick to my old self.  With William, I could feel the changes in how I was acting and thinking.  Without realizing it, I also became way less lovey with Grant, and that's totally not normal for me.  I wasn't as cuddly, and when he got home from work, I didn't smile really big or come crash into him for a big hug (even though I cant really crash into him now or it'll hurt the boobers lol).  I just kinda went about my business of cleaning or doing dishes.  I wasn't trying to be aloof, it was more just that I was trying to get done with what I was doing.  Plus, the girls always came running for a big hug and kiss from daddy, so I always stayed in the back to let them get their hugs.  I had read something on Facebook, and it made me realize how distant I had become, but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until Grant mentioned it one night.  Then I knew I needed to think/worry less about cleaning and such when Grant was home, and focus on us and our family more.  With the kids, it's easy because I'm with them 24/7, but with Grant, he hasn't been home all that much since it started warming up because work had started keeping him away during the week.  So I got into my routines and just didn't feel as lovey as I normally am.  The stress and frustrations of having 3 kids so close in age started to impact me more than I thought.  I got frustrated faster with the girls, and that William was getting up so much at night.  I knew he would, but I didn't think it would be as hard on me as it was.  It was/is really hard to not be like "ok Bubby, you're home now...here's the kids!" so I could have a break.  It's a really delicate balancing act because while he's not home all day like I am, he's at work busting his ass to make sure he can provide for us.  It's not easy, and it's not like he's at a desk job either.  So at the end of the day, we're both really tired and wanting to just rest...but we cant really rest until the kids go down for the night.  The nice thing is that William goes down around the same time as the girls do, so as long as he stays sleeping, we can just chill on the couch and talk or watch our shows.  That helps, but that's only a few hours a night. 
We don't get a lot of us time either.  I think he gets more of the "me" time than I do.  He's been able to go on trips (he hasn't in the last few years though, sadly) with friends, he's taken his sled out a few times this year (he wasn't gone for a whole day though), and he's gone out to the bar with friends a few times too.  I haven't really gotten any of that.  Hell, I'm not even sure I can take a trip, just me...like ever.  Since the kids aren't in daycare, he'd have to take off the entire time I'm gone and end up burning his vacation too.  Even if we found a way for me to go, I'd want to wait until I'm done pumping too.  Because who wants to be on vacation, but still have to be attached to a pump every few hours?  It just wouldn't be as fun. I just don't get a break from the every day.  I've had people tell me to ask for help when I need it, but there's not too many people that I can call to help me.  To be perfectly honest, there are only 5 people that I would feel comfortable asking to watch the kids for a few hours, and only 2 of them aren't family members.  I'm sure some of you on Facebook are thinking "I'll watch them!!".  I thank you, but here's the thing...and please don't be offended.  There's a huge difference (in my mind) between friends and Facebook friends.  If I haven't seen your face in real life for a long time, then I'm not going to be comfortable having you watch my kids for me.  I really do appreciate the thought and offer, though.  Plus, what would I call them for?  If I was going to go somewhere, maybe.  Then it becomes, what would I do if I went somewhere?  I don't have the money to just go take a shopping trip.  The whole "spa day" I really want is more of a fantasy right now. So then what's the point of going anywhere?
Knowing all of that makes it hard sometimes.  There are days where I just want to sit and cry for a bit because it's the only way I feel like I can safely get out the emotions.  I've thought about calling one of my brothers or sisters in law, but I always chicken out.  Mostly because I feel like I'm being dramatic, and I feel like I know what they're going to say anyway, so I just say it in my head and call it good.  I've vented to friends before when I need to, but that has backfired a bit a few times, so I'm not sure I can do that anymore.  Not very often do I seriously get down on things, but it does happen.  I just try and take the little joys throughout the day and also give myself little pep talks.  It helps, so that's good.  Overall, I'm still in good mental health...but I'm human and I have bad days too.  I'm just glad I have my girls who tell me a lot during the day that they love me, William and his big smiles when he sees me, and Isabelle's "you're my mom" really help lift me back up!

What's in a name

William is 2 months old as of yesterday, and I am still surprised that Grant and I named him William.  With all 3 kids, Grant would never let me settle on a name until they were born.  With Isabelle, it was a little annoying because I knew her name would be Isabelle.  Because it was very important to Grant, I agreed to not get anything with a name on it (blankets, name on the wall..ect) until they were born.  He is a firm believer that you don't really know the name until you see the baby.  Part of me is glad we did that, and part of me wishes that we could have picked a name before they were born.  Izzy's name never changed.  Kensi's name didn't really, but we were pretty unsure until about a day after she was born. 

Now William is a bit of a different story.  His first name was never going to be William, that was going to be his middle name.  It's Grant's middle name and I believe a family name too.  His middle name is Ellis, and that also is a family name, if I'm not mistaken.  When we were picking out names, my front runners were Caden, Joseph, and Camden.  Grant's were Ellis and Virgil.  Unlike the girls, we were at polar opposites.  I wanted the more modern name, and Grant was going more old school.  If I had my way, he would have been named Joseph William Tegtmeier.  Joseph is the name of my brother, my dad, and at least one of my grandpas, and I would have loved to name him after them.  Plus, I really liked how Joseph William sounds together.  Grant liked it, but he was campaigning pretty hard for Ellis.  I do like the name Ellis, but I wasn't in love with it.  I was a little worried we'd be at that stalemate forever and that one of us would have just relent and learn to live with the name.  I read online how that has happened before, and I really didn't want it to happen with us.  Then Grant came up with having William be the first name instead of the middle.  I liked that idea, but then the question became: What would his middle name be?  We had solved one problem, only to gain another.  So then the same two names, Joseph and Ellis, were still the ones we were looking at.  I still really wanted Joseph, and he still really wanted Ellis.  I, obviously, relented and his middle name became Ellis.  Now, don't get me wrong, I do love William's name.  I'm pretty sad that we didn't use Joseph, though.  Isabelle's middle name is from me.  My middle name is Lynn as is my mother's.  Kensi's middle name is Marie after Grant's mother.  So with William being the last, and the only boy, I wanted him to have names from both sides of the family.  He could have had William for Grant's side, and Joseph from my side. What made me relent was the fact that William is the only boy, and (so far) is the only one to carry on the Tegtmeier name.  If you know Grant's family, from what I understand they are descendants from royalty.  When you get to know them, you can see it come out sometimes.  So it makes William almost the "golden child" in a sense because he's going to carry on the family name.  That kind of thing is very important to Grant, and so I decided that since it is that important to him, that I would "give" him the name he wants.  Don't misunderstand me, I am very happy with William's name.  It's a good, strong name that suits him very well.  I'll always be sad that we wont have a boy with the name Joseph in it, but it doesn't make me love William's name any less.

Im surprised

As I'm sitting in my bed waiting for William to fall back asleep, I'm struck with surprise for how quick I've been to go to him when he makes the slightest sound or starts to fuss. Part of that is I don't want him to wake up Grant since he hasn't been sleeping all that great, but I think the other part is just having a newborn/baby in the house again. When I was pregnant with him, I kept thinking "oh I know what I'm doing, this is my 3rd baby" but I still have questions and still want to run to him right away when he fusses. I posted a question on Facebook, and it felt a little weird. I felt like I should know it already, but at the same time I know each kid is different and I don't know everything. I know that he needs to learn to self soothe so that he's not dependant on me to fall back asleep, but that's definitely easier said than done. Kensi really never learned to self soothe because we were so worried about her waking up Isabelle that we also ran to her when she started fussing at night. With William, he won't be sharing a room so it's not quite as urgent that we get him back to sleep. I'm hoping that will help me not jump so fast when he fusses at night, well once he sleeps through the night and is in his own room at night.  Guess we'll find out soon enough!

Isnt it sad?

A little bit ago, I posted a picture of William sleeping in his pack n play bassinet downstairs.  He's on his tummy, and I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding that because of SIDS.  After I posted it, I went up to take a shower, and then started thinking about that post.  I did my caption, then at the bottom put a little disclaimer at the bottom of it.  I thought about the other times I've had to do that because I know there is always someone that will post on there how dangerous it is or that I shouldn't do it..ect.  Got me thinking more about it, and isn't it sad that I feel like I have to do that?  It seems like I cant post controversial things like that without fear of getting shamed or flamed for it.  Flamed meaning someone attacks me for it.  It doesn't just stop at posting things on Facebook, either.  I see the articles in the newspaper or the videos on Facebook of parents getting shamed for things; mothers for breastfeeding their kids in public, parents for feeding their child formula instead of breast milk, for putting their baby face forward before people think it's acceptable... the list goes on.  Why?  It makes it so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  The ones that get me the most are the breastfeeding in public and the formula versus breast milk. 

There is a picture going around on Facebook of Nicki Minaj with an outfit that leaves one breast hanging out with a pasty on it so it doesn't show her nipple.  The other side of the picture is a breastfeeding mother feeding her baby.  The caption reads something like "why is this acceptable, but this not?".  It's so very true.  It's just fine for someone to have their boobs all hanging out and people don't even bat an eye.  But a woman breastfeeds in public, and you cant even see the entire boob, let alone a nipple, and people are all up in arms about it.  How does that make sense?  It makes me mad to hear people tell the mother to take it to the bathroom.  Like really?  Nasty.  I never personally had an issue with this because I don't nurse, I pump and use a bottle, but what a way to make a woman feel really small and inferior.  I would love to see someone actually make the asshole who says it take his/her food into a bathroom and eat it.  See how it feels.  Maybe someone has, I don't know.  But I'd love to see it.  Yes, boobs are sexual...but they're also practical.  I really hope I'm alive to see breastfeeding in public more normalized and not so taboo.

I don't mind pumping too much, it makes me happy that I've been able to produce enough for all the kids to have it for at least the first 6 months of their life.  But if I'm perfectly honest, and I always try to be on here, I'd rather stop after a while and switch to formula.  Yes, breast milk has been proven to be better for the baby because of all the stuff that gets passed on from me.  But it's annoying to be hooked up to a pump for 15-20min every 3ish hours.  It feels really weird, and it makes my nipples constantly sensitive.  Plus the damn pads are annoying, and I'd like to not have to worry about milk leaking out so much that it overpowers the pad and goes onto my shirts.  It'd be nice to have my boobs back lol Plus, if formula was as bad as it's made out to be, it wouldn't be fed to babies.  It wouldn't be available to buy, and it would have been pulled from shelves a hell of a long time ago.  It's not as good as breast milk, but it does the job.  There is absolutely no shame in using formula instead of breast milk, whether by want or necessity.  I always think of when Isabelle was an infant and we were at my in laws.  A friend of theirs had come over and asked if I breast fed or used formula.  When I answered that I breastfed, she said "oh good, because formula is the devil" or something to that effect.  Number 1 - it shouldn't be anyone's business how I feed my baby and number 2 - just know that my baby is fed and happy.  I refuse to feel bad that I'd be more than ok with feeding William formula if we were ok with spending the money on it.  But breast milk is free lol and that's a huge thing for us right now. 

Raising kids is hard.  Taking care of infants is hard.  Why do people feel the need to make it even harder?  Dammit, stop it!

Daily Battle

Been chatting with a friend of mine on and off all day through Facebook Messenger.  Not about anything important, just random thoughts I have that I share with her, and we chat for a bit.  As I was folding laundry, I caught myself grabbing my phone to say something like "sorry for bugging you all day".  But I stopped myself right as I grabbed my phone.  Why am I sorry?  Well I know the answer to that, at least what my head is thinking; I was going to apologize because even though we're good friends, and she shares a lot of my humor, I felt like I was bugging her and she was secretly thinking "oh jeez, her again?".  Do I have any basis for that thought?  Not even a little bit.  If she really didn't want to chat, I'm pretty sure she just wouldn't answer me until she was able to.  But that's how I think, and I find it very irritating.  I tend to apologize because I think I bother people when I am the first to say something.  It's probably also why I never ask for help.  I never want to be a burden on people, and I think that if I do ask for help, that I will be.  People tell me all the time that if I need anything to let them know.  I can count the number of times on one hand that I've actually taken people up on that offer.  Even during my apartment fire back in 2010, I didn't ask for anything.  People just had to be like "Kris, come over and get this.", then I'd go get it, say thank you profusely, then feel bad that they got me something.  It's a vicious cycle in my head, and I'm really tired of it.  I didn't really get how bad I am at that until I started dating Grant.  He's the total opposite of me and never really understood why I said sorry so much.  I'm trying to break that cycle and put myself out there more, but it's really hard when you've been the same way for 30+ years.  Having the kids has also helped with that because I need that adult conversation, and I know my friends cant read my mind and all of the sudden stop in their tracks and be like "oh my Kris sense tells me she needs to talk" lol so I have to be the first to say something. 

I doubt I'll ever really get over it to where I wont feel like that anymore, and I'll probably battle it more than I'd like to, but it's a work in progress.  So just know that if I text you, or message you, that I probably started typing, deleted it, started again, and thought about what to say at least twice before you finally got the message.  Not because I want it to be "just right" or whatever, but because I'm battling my inner downer Kris that you wont be bothered if I do text/message you.  It's a battle I have every intention of winning, too.

What I want my kids to remember....

Last weekend, Grant made us all breakfast.  It's been kind of a thing he does every weekend for the last little bit.  It makes him really happy to do that for his family.  Got us talking about the things we remember from our childhood.  Mine was when my dad would make omelettes on the weekends and either wake me up to get some or just leave the fixins' on the stove for me to make my own when I finally rolled my ass out of bed.  It's one of those small, yet really happy memories I have.  Grant's was similar too.  Made me start thinking of the things that the kids will remember about their childhood.  There are some things that I really hope they do remember:

1 - Mommy likes music...all the time.  I love listening to music.  I love having the radio, Panodra, Spotify...ect on all the time.  There have been days that the TV doesn't get turned on at all.  When I'm cooking any meal, I have my music on and am dancing around the kitchen and singing.  I really hope the kids have a love of music like I do, and all different types too.  I really like putting on Pandora in the livingroom and setting it to shuffle because we have playlists from hard rock to pop to classical to jazz... damn near everything.  When the kids are older and are reminiscing about the "old days", I really hope that they remember mommy always having music on. 

2 - Baking.  I've been really getting into baking lately.  So far I haven't really done much more than cookies, bread, brownies, muffins, and cupcakes.  I have done some more for Thanksgiving, but nothing for day to day life.  Mostly because the kids are young enough to where I don't want them eating sweets all day.  But I hope that when they do get older, they'll have those memories of me baking in the kitchen, dancing to music, and letting them lick the spatula when I'm done.  I don't really memories of baking as a kid.  My dad works at a bakery so I doubt he wanted to do a lot of it at home, too.  He is my "cake man" for the kids' birthdays and any celebrations though...but that's about it.  As the kids get older, and make friends, and have the friends come over, I hope that everyone wants to come over to our house because I always have cookies or something already done.  I think that would be a great memory to have.

3 - Me being a Stay At Home Mom.  Since I was old enough to want a family of my own, I've wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I'm not a fan of working in general, and I love watching my kids grow up and reaching the milestones of life.  There have been so many "ups" that it makes the "downs" seem pretty small after a while.  It's hard, I wont lie, but I'm so glad I can do this.  I ask Izzy every once in a while if she likes having me home, and her answer is always an enthusiastic yes.  I hope that when the kids get older, they'll look back and smile remembering how we played and just enjoyed being together.

4 - Daddy's weekend breakfasts.  As I said before, Grant has really enjoyed making a brunch for us on the weekends.  It's never anything fancy, but it's delicious and we get to sit down together as a family, which is also very important to me.  Right now, it seems like it's more of a chore for the girls to sit and eat, but hopefully when they get older, they'll look back at the time we spent around the kitchen table as a family and smile.

5 - Our kitchen table. I know this one sounds a bit funny, but here's what I mean:  I have a feeling that our kitchen table is going to be the heart of our family.  I see homework being done at it, family discussions, family meals, parenting decisions....almost everything being decided upon at that table.  Grant and I sit there a lot after a meal and will talk about things, kind of like we do with the office too.  I'm sure as the kids get older, and we have to talk about sex or drugs or being with the wrong kind of crowd, it'll be done at the table.  But so will everything good too.  We plan on having our table for a very long time, so I hope that when the kids get older and see it, that it puts a little smile on their faces remembering all the things that happened at that table.

6 - All the love and happiness in our home.  Anyone that really knows me knows how emotional I am.  Grant is too, in his own way.  If there is one thing that we have never been short of it is love.  Words cannot describe how much we love our kids and want only the best for them.  We want to grow up to be decent, hardworking adults with a good head on their shoulders and with a strong sense of self.  To be able to stand up, not only for themselves, but for others that they see are being wronged.  We want them to grow up knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are loved.  We let them fall down, we let them get dirty, we let them explore our backyard without hovering over them.  Right now, our kids are so happy and laid back and I really hope that they don't lose that.  I really hope that when they look back or are talking about their childhood, they can always say that we always showed them we that we love them and they saw how happy Mom and Dad were/are together. 

I know our life wont be picture perfect, and that is totally ok.  We're going to have ups and downs as a family, but we'll always get through them.  I know the kids are all under 5 years old and I may be jumping the gun a little bit with this, but these are things I think about all the time.  They are what I hope for my family.  I think we have a pretty damn good start to all of this, too.  :)

Yup, I'm done

With each of my pregnancies, I have loved almost every part of them.  The bigger belly, the movement, being able to rub my tummy, cravings (when I did get them)...ect.  But now that William is out, I can totally tell that I'm ok with being done having kids.  Back when Grant and I first talked about having kids, I told him I wanted a big family; so like 5 kids.  He, of course, looked ready to pass out and said 3 was his max.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am the only girl of 5 kids.  I loved having older brothers and many of them.  Granted, there were times where they got on my nerves and I've always wished I had a sister, but I still am very grateful that I came from a big family.  But my how things change.  I've read different articles like "How You Know You're Done Having Kids" and none of them really rang true for me.  Even now, I don't agree with some of them.  So here are the ways I know I'm done having kids:

1 - My pregnancy wasn't as fun.  Although I still loved feeling him move and kick, and being able to rub my tummy, I just didn't enjoy it like I had with the girls.  I was only halfway through and getting ready to be done being pregnant.  I still enjoyed the small things and am very blessed that I was able to carry and birth 3 healthy babies, I just couldn't wait until it was over.  Not being able to drink alcohol or go out got to me way more than with the girls too.  I know I could have gone out with friends being pregnant, but I always felt weird about it. 

2 - I cant wait to get all healed up. When I had my girls, I was almost startled when I would realize that I didn't hurt as much or that I wasn't bleeding anymore.  With William, I'm damn near counting the days until I'm back to 100%.  I want to be able to run and exercise and just do all the stuff I haven't been able to.  I'm in way more of a hurry to get better than I was before.

3 - The idea of getting pregnant again isn't as exciting.  When I had Izzy, I was pretty ready to go again pretty soon after.  After having Kensi, it took a bit more time, but I knew I wanted to have another baby.  Now after having William, I don't relish the idea of getting pregnant again.  If we did have an oops and I did get pregnant, I would be happy to bring another baby into the world and I would not love that baby any less.  That being said, I still want to actively prevent that from happening again. 

4 - I miss my girls and pre-pregnant me.  I know what you're probably thinking; "you see them every day!".  But what I mean is that I miss being able to play with them on the floor.  Lay down on my stomach and color with them..things like that.  I haven't been able to do that in a long time.  I play with them as much as I can, and I can finally get on the floor again and be comfortable, but I still cant really lay on my stomach.  Since I'm pumping, my boobs get way too full or start to hurt and I end up having to move basically right away.  I cant wait until we can do that again.  I miss my body too.  I was just getting into shape and losing weight when I got pregnant with William.  I was starting to finally feel good about how I looked.  I'll get there again, but now I don't want to lose that...vain as that may sound.  I miss feeling pretty and beautiful and I miss seeing Grant look at me when he doesn't think I notice.  I don't want to give that up again. 

I thought of more in the shower this morning, but that's all I could remember :)  Part is me is really sad that we're done because we have so much love to give, but part of me is really happy at the same time.  Now we can really get back to our "new normal" and be able to start doing things again as a family.  We can really make memories and I don't feel like I'm slowing anyone down.  Being pregnant 3 times in 4 years...I'm just burned out on being pregnant.  I'm happy with our 3 beautiful/handsome children and my heart is happy.  That's all a mother could ask for!

The silent victories after pregnancy

I was upstairs doing my business when I had an odd thought.  I was going to text it to a friend who I knew would see the humor in it as I do.  But then I thought of a few more like it, so I thought I'd put it on here instead. 

Most of the things I read on the internet about "victories" after pregnancy are good, positive things.  There have been a few that touch on things not talked about, but not very many.  I've had 3 pregnancies,  and 3 births.  I've noticed with each one that there are things that I get really happy/excited about that people who haven't gone through it wouldn't really understand.  Here they are for you to enjoy...and hopefully get a little laugh out of:

1 - Walking;  after having my kids, I've noticed that for days afterward, I always have that "stomach drop" feeling whenever I get up and walk around.  The best way I can explain it is that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after a plane suddenly drops in altitude or when you're not quite ready for the elevator to go down when it does.  Hopefully you get what I mean.  Once you've felt that constantly for days, you really appreciate being able to walk normally again.  Mine has been gone for a little while now, and I was so happy to feel normal when I walk again!

2 - Sitting down;  Normally when you want to sit, you find somewhere and just cop a squat, right?  Well after having kids, you don't get that luxury for a little bit.  It's taken me almost 2 weeks and I still have to sit down a bit gingerly in case I pull or stretch my girly parts.  I can get up much easier, but I still have to be careful not to slide off the couch.  I have to actually lift my ass off and scoot towards the edge.  It's annoying, and hard when I have William, but I'd rather do that than hurt myself more.

3 - Showering/Getting dressed;  Especially after a shower!  I cant just throw on clothes still, I have to make sure I have boobie pads ready and also girly pads so that nothing drips (or shoots out in the case of my boobs) onto the floor.  It takes a little more time, and a lot more preparation to get ready for the day.  I do miss the times when I could just hop in the shower whenever I had a free minute.  Now I have to make sure I pump first so that I don't shoot out milk, then I have to make sure I have everything ready for after.  It's not exactly quick and easy, and I'll have to deal with this for as long as I'm breastfeeding/pumping.  So I haven't gotten to this victory yet, but it will be really nice when I do!

4 - Bathroom business;  After having Isabelle, every time I had another baby, and I got moved to the recovery room...I was always so happy to see their "bag o' goodies" waiting for me in the bathroom.  If you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about.  That bag with the little water bottle, them lovely mesh undies, those medium to diaper sized pads, and the pain reliever spray in it.  Childbirth is gross, and messy, and those things are a God send.  That water bottle helps in tremendous ways when you have to go to the bathroom.  As I'm getting better and healing, I've been using it less and less.  Today was the first day I've been able to wipe myself without needing it and it not hurting!  I almost did a little victory dance right in the bathroom! 

There you go!  There are probably more, but that's all I could think of right now.  :) 

Today is the first day of our "new normal"

Seems like forever I was waiting for William to make his debut, and the waiting was killing me!  Grant and I were anxious, excited, stressed, and nervous all in one.  I think a lot of the stress was mostly because we kept hearing it'd be way sooner than it was so we were on edge literally all the time thinking labor was imminent when really it wasn't.  I'm really happy with the way it went down, even if it wasn't my original birth plan.  I was hoping to go into labor naturally and do with all without an epidural.  Well, I ended up getting induced and getting the epidural.  You know what?  I think it was a better experience because of it.  Looking back on it, if I were to go into labor at home, I think it would have really affected Isabelle.  She's got so much heart and she has all the feels, and if I were to really start contracting and hurting, I think it would have really scared and stressed her out.  I'm sure she would have gotten over it, but still.  I'm glad my baby girl didn't see that.  So getting induced at the hospital was a really good thing.  I had heard that if you don't get an epidural, that your recovery time is faster.  But after having contractions for a while, I decided that I would rather not feel them and enjoy the process.  I guess that just wasn't meant to be because even though I did get the epidural, it didn't work all the way.  I still felt a lot of the pain of the contractions and even couldn't hold back pushing when it came time.  Not sure how much it actually blocked, but going through that, I'm really glad it at least blocked some!  Grant almost missed the whole show!  Once I started feeling the urge to push, it didn't take long for William to come out.  Grant had gone to get something to eat quick before everything happened, and he was just on his way back up when I called him to get back upstairs NOW.  Once he got there, and I started pushing, William was out in 20 minutes.  That's an hour faster than Kensi and 3.5 hours faster than Isabelle.  Had I not called him, he could have very well missed most of the birth.  It all worked out in the end, and I'm really happy about that.

Now Grant went back to work today.  It makes me really sad he didn't get more time with us, but with him having to take vacation so much, he just couldn't afford to take off any more right now.  So today is the start of our "new normal".  My day started roughly at 5am when William woke up to eat, and while I got him back to sleep about 6a, I was only able to lightly doze until the girls got up about 7a.  If you know my girls, keeping their voices to a dull roar is pretty much impossible, so I knew that I was up whether I liked it or not.  I think that's going to work to my advantage in the long run because right now William has his days and nights mixed up.  He sleeps for 4 to 5 hours during the day, if we let him, and is up every 2ish at night.  Grant and I made sure that were never extra quiet when the girls were asleep so that they'd get used to noise.  I think with the girls being loud, since I'm not going to quiet them down unless they get excessive with it, it should help him wake up a bit more during the day.  Then hopefully at night he'll be tired enough where he'll sleep through the night more.  Granted, he was only up a few times last night, so at least it wasn't horrible.  It never seems to take long for us to get into a rhythm, so I think we'll have a good one soon.  I can already tell my  morning, after waking up, routine.  It'll be get downstairs, set up my pump in my little station, get Ace out to pottied, get Kensi's milk/Izzy's breakfast, wash out all the pump stuff/caps/nipples/bottles, then pump again while William sleeps and the girls play.  The only thing I really "worry" about is errands.  I should be able to hold off on going to Walmart or Target or grocery shopping until Grant gets home, but I'm sure at one point it'll have to happen.  Hopefully by then it'll be summer and I can wear William with a wrap rather than have to use a carseat or something.  I'll have to figure it out somehow, but hopefully not until it gets warm out. 

I'm so excited to start this new chapter in our lives and now our little family is complete.  It's been and still is an absolute joy to watch the girls grow and see how their personalities develop and I cant wait until William's does too.  Now to start planning for his monthly pictures and whatnot. 

For anyone wondering, I'll tell you where his name came from.  It's basically all on Grant's side.  Grant's middle name is William and Ellis is (as I understand it) an old family name that can be dated back to the ancestor that immigrated to the US.  I was kind of hoping to include a Komanetz name too, but I love his name.  It's a good, strong name and I think it's going to suit him perfectly!!

Letters to the new President and the "old" President

Dear Mr. President,
You are now the President of the United States, and I watched you get sworn in with mixed feelings. But I am proud to say that I was able and willing to vote, and that I have that right.  I have not been into politics until this election, and I really wish I had paid more attention in years past.  But that was then, and this is now.  In your speech, you talked up a pretty big game.  I believe that you really want to accomplish these things.  I believe that you do want to make America great again.  I just really hope that you also understand that you are not an all powerful being, and that you can be voted down or against.  Now I don't know you personally, so I cant really judge you based on that.  What I can, and do, judge you on is what I see when I watch the campaigns and debates.  From what I see, you are a man that takes no bullshit from anyone.  A man that says what he means and means what he said.  I see that you say it like it is, and you don't mince words for fear of offending someone.  I see that you have a very successful business, and that your children are successful too.  To me, that says a lot.  I really hope that those are the qualities that you will lead this country with.  I also see that you are a man that is a bit of a "hothead" and that you are quick to fire off a retaliation or reply to someone who says something false about you, or something that you don't like.  I hear that you are a man who loves the ladies a little too much and do not care about personal space or respect.  You have challenged those thoughts about you, and apologize when the proof was undeniable.  I hope that apology was sincere.  You said something you shouldn't have, and people do, and you said it a long time ago.  For that, I will not hold it against you.  What I will hold against you is your word.  You gave your word that you would give the power back to the people, and I am holding you to that.  I want a better future for my children, and I am giving you the chance to keep your word and do just that.

Your fellow American,
Kristina Tegtmeier

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Dear President Obama,
You are no longer our President.  Your term is finished, and you are free to go live your life how you wish from now on.  Now I didn't pay enough attention to what you did while you were in office, and honestly I don't really trust the words of very many people because of the possibility of it being biased.  Some say you did an amazing job, and some say you did a horrible job.  The only thing that I noticed and that affected me was the introduction to the Affordable Healthcare Act.  I believe you were trying to help the Americans that couldn't afford healthcare, and that, to you, the Act looked great on paper.  Just because it looks good on paper, and in theory, doesn't mean that it is good for everyone.  It made healthcare unaffordable, and also there is a penalty for those that do not wish, or cannot afford, health insurance.  My family is one of those examples.  Your "Obamacare" made it so that we cant afford insurance.  And to add insult to injury, we're also going to be slapped with a penalty.  How does that even seem remotely fair to you?  I didn't follow you during your campaigns and debates when you were running for President, so I don't know what kind of man you are.  I watched the PBS Special about your years in office, and Trumps recent victory into the White House.  But I have also learned that you cannot always trust the media because their views are skewed as well.  I hope that your healthcare act will be replaced or fixed to something that doesn't hurt families like mine.  I don't need someone telling me that I have to get insurance.  I am a person of sound mind.  I can decide for myself what is right and good for my family. I'd like to believe that you had very good intentions and tried your best.  But for my family, and for me, your best wasn't good enough.  I bear you no ill will, but I am glad that there will be "new blood" into the White House for the next 4 years.  Your job was tremendously difficult, and now you can breathe a little easier knowing you did what you thought best. 

Best wishes,
Kristina Tegtmeier

Dude, co-parenting is hard!!

Back in the days when I was single, I used to dream about the time when I'd marry my Prince Charming and we'd have some angels to raise.  They would always be such good angels and my Prince and I would agree on everything to do with parenting.  Now that I've found my Prince Charming, and we're raising our little angels, I can see how a little unrealistic that dream was.  I have since put it in the "fantasy" category, since that's where it fits best.  Don't get me wrong, Grant and I parent quite the same on a lot of stuff.  When we were talking about marriage and kids, we talked about our parenting styles to make sure that they weren't vastly different; and they weren't.  We were together on most, if not all, the big stuff. 

Now that Isabelle is 4, I've noticed that we differ on a lot of the small stuff that you really wouldn't think about; having a routine versus not having one, what the punishment is for throwing tantrums at suppertime and refusing to eat, how far we should take manners...ect.  It's not like we're fighting over any of it, it's just that it's been a little more of a compromise than I thought it would be.  But with everything in a relationship, the small things (I think) make up the foundation of your relationship.  Fight enough about the smaller things, and it'll start to chip away and make your whole life come crashing down.  I'm really happy that we've been able to find common ground and compromise when we need to.  It's hard for both of us to bend and concede, but we also know that if we want to make sure we stay together and keep that strong bond that we have, we have be able to.  I cant speak for him, but I know I've had to learn how to take a step back and let him do things his own way.  With bedtime, as long as he gets the basics, then how he gets them to sleep is up to him.  I have to really watch and make sure I don't jump in.  I've had to give myself a reality check a few times and just have a pep talk that he is a capable guy, and their father, and he knows what he's doing.  Hell, if he doesn't by now, he's a little screwed :)  Hopefully with Baby Boy on the way, we can continue to parent together and as well as we have been.  Our girls are such great girls, and we get compliments about them all the time.  Makes us grin because we can see our hard work at this parenting thing is working, and working well.