Reached another milestone in my road to getting my body back. This one is as sad as it is happy for me. As of about a week ago, I am officially done pumping my breast milk. I made it all of 3 months before I was just done. My original plan was to pump or at least freeze enough to get William through his first year so we didn't have to do formula at all. I really wanted to do that and I was determined to do it. But I always forget how much I dislike pumping once I get into the thick of it and the shininess of pumping for my new baby wears off.
I really hate how my nipples are sensitive ALL THE DAMN TIME. I could barely stand to have my towel touch them after a shower or it'd hurt. I think that might be the worst thing about it. Although, having my world basically revolve around pumping isn't that fun either. I had to plan everything around when I needed to pump. I had two funerals to go once William was born, and I had to bring the pump with and pump in some sort of room at least once both times. Everyone was super understanding when I asked if there was somewhere I could pump, and I'm really grateful for that. I'm not ashamed that I had to ask or anything, it was just really inconvenient.
Wearing normal bras never felt comfortable so I just wore sports bras the entire time. They never felt like they fit right and I didn't like the feeling of when my milk letdown (built up so much that it just came out to relieve the pressure), it was always a very odd feeling. Big hugs were totally out of the question because they'd hurt too much, and that made me really sad. I'm a total hugger!! I love to hug and for Grant to have to watch how hard he hugged me really sucked. We're used to those full body, damn near crushing you type of hugs. I love that we can do those again!
I wasn't a fan of having to make sure I still watched how much caffeine or alcohol I drank in case it messed with the milk. I missed having more than one cup of coffee or a pop or two throughout the day. I had to limit myself to either pop or coffee, but not both. I'm a total coffee drinker and I love having a few cups in the morning. Only being able to have one just wasn't the same. When we'd go out to eat, I'd have to stick with water (and I'm not a fan to begin with) because the only caffeine free stuff most places would have isn't diet, and I don't drink regular pop. I also missed those end of day type drinks with Grant while we had a bonfire or just had a great day. It wasn't all the time, but those days where a beer sounded amazing...I had to make sure to watch how much I drank. Now, I wasn't getting plastered by any means, but having a few was sometimes out of the question because it made me nervous. I had planned on getting those test strips to see if it had affected my milk, but I never got around to it. But now I don't have to worry about that. My biggest worry is making sure I don't wake up hung over in the morning. The thought of being even remotely hung over when the kids start getting up any time after 6a is enough to keep me in check. It was hard to go out for a drink with a friend, too. Granted, that hardly happened, but it wasn't because I didn't have opportunities. I could have asked Tab or Heather if they wanted to go get a drink, but what fun is that when you have to make sure you pump right before you go and to watch how long you're gone for fear of getting too full? Of course, there was always that worry in the back of my mind of how much I had. It just took away from being out and about.
The whole process of pumping made me feel a bit like a cow being hooked up to get the milk. After a while, I just really started to dislike it.
With all the negatives that came with pumping, for me, there are two really big positives. First and foremost is the fact that my kids were able to have all the antibodies and things that my immune system gave them through the milk. That's a big one considering how many kids get sick up here during the winter. Cant really give them much in the way of medicine, and it also helps their body learn how to fight off the viruses itself. Their bodies would learn just fine with formula, but my milk gave them a boost.
The other big thing is cost. I cannot deny the fact that I was saving our family a lot of money by not having to buy formula. I had no problem producing and I could have went the entire year with no problems. With us buying a house and just getting ahead in life, that was huge. Formula costs an arm and a leg, and I was hoping to bypass all that.
In the end, I cant say I'm completely sad to be done pumping. I'm more happy about it than anything. I'm sad that I couldn't keep going for the full year, or at least a little longer than 3 months. With having so much stress with the house hunting and the fact that our deadline was moved up by a few months, the stress of having William and learning our new normal, plus stress with having lost family members....it just became too much for me. Something had to give, and pumping was it. Part of me feels like I'm letting Grant down by stopping so soon when he really wanted me to get through the whole year, but I'm trying to remind myself that I also did this for me too. For my sanity and for the sake of my family too. Nobody is going to be happy if I get stressed or depressed or just start straight up hating every minute of being hooked up and not being able to hide it. I feel it is better to stop before I get to that point. I'm also trying to remember that I'm not a bad mom for stopping so soon too. William isn't going to be hurt by switching to formula after the milk runs out. He'll still get what he needs, and it's not like we'll go broke buying formula.
I am very grateful that I could produce enough milk for all the kids for however long I lasted pumping. But I would be lying if I said that I'm going to miss it. If I'm honest, I would have been happier doing formula right away, but I know how important it was to Grant that I pump or nurse, and how much good it would do for William. I'm much happier now that I have my body back completely. When it comes down to it, I like to think that's most important.
