There are times...

There are times when I think that I just can't do it anymore. That I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel like I'm royally fucking up and that it would be better if I went back to work. I constantly worry if I'm doing the right thing by my kids, if they're going to grow up to be good, kind adults. I fear that I'm failing them and I'm not as good at this as I think I am. 
But then Kensi will cuddle up to me on the couch, burrow under my arm so I have my arm wrapped around her, pat me and say "I love you" or Isabelle will run up to me, throw her arms around my waist, and kiss my stomach and give me a big grin or I'll catch William looking at me and he gives me the biggest grin....then I know I'm doing good. My kids are my barometer to how I am doing. I second guess myself all the time, but my 3 little Gremlins always show me that I'm a damn good mother. I made my "mommy rounds" before I came up to bed, and all 3 of them are sleeping so soundly and so sweetly. I cherish those moments. I'm really big on the little things in life make the biggest impact, and that definitely holds true. Im sure I will continue to doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But I'm also damn sure that every day my kids will show me that I am. I am still amazed at how much my kids love me, and it staggers me some days. They give me so much and I wouldn't change my life for anything. My family is my life and I'm so blessed that I'm the one they call Mom.

To my Izzybelle.....

My peanut, today is your first day of Preschool.  It's a very important day; not only because it's your first day of school, but also because it's your first day out in the "real world".  Today, you start to make decisions and decide who you are going to be without Mommy or Daddy there to guide you.  It's only for 2 1/2 hours 3 days a week, but it's enough.  I will not be there to tell you what is right and what is wrong.  I won't be there to tell you that it's ok to raise your hand to answer a question.  I won't be there to tell you that you need to raise your hand to answer a question.  I leave you in the care of others.  It is a very big day.

I have always known that I cannot shield you from everything all the time.  You have been with me every single day since you were around 2.  The decision your dad and I made to pull you and Kensi out of daycare was the best decision we have made.  You have learned so much from me and your dad, just as we have learned so much from you.  But now, I must hand the reigns over to someone else for a little while. 

You are going to learn so much, and for that I am extremely excited for you.  You are going to start making friends, and Daddy and I really hope they become life long friends.  You are going to learn life lessons that I cannot teach you.  You are going to learn that there are bad, naughty people in the world.  But you are also going to learn that there are very kind people in the world too. I have tried to instill in you a kindness that others may not have. I hope they can learn from you.

My baby, today is the first day of the next chapter in your life.  I hope you love it and are excited each and every (school) day to go back!

All my love,
Mommy