What's in a name

William is 2 months old as of yesterday, and I am still surprised that Grant and I named him William.  With all 3 kids, Grant would never let me settle on a name until they were born.  With Isabelle, it was a little annoying because I knew her name would be Isabelle.  Because it was very important to Grant, I agreed to not get anything with a name on it (blankets, name on the wall..ect) until they were born.  He is a firm believer that you don't really know the name until you see the baby.  Part of me is glad we did that, and part of me wishes that we could have picked a name before they were born.  Izzy's name never changed.  Kensi's name didn't really, but we were pretty unsure until about a day after she was born. 

Now William is a bit of a different story.  His first name was never going to be William, that was going to be his middle name.  It's Grant's middle name and I believe a family name too.  His middle name is Ellis, and that also is a family name, if I'm not mistaken.  When we were picking out names, my front runners were Caden, Joseph, and Camden.  Grant's were Ellis and Virgil.  Unlike the girls, we were at polar opposites.  I wanted the more modern name, and Grant was going more old school.  If I had my way, he would have been named Joseph William Tegtmeier.  Joseph is the name of my brother, my dad, and at least one of my grandpas, and I would have loved to name him after them.  Plus, I really liked how Joseph William sounds together.  Grant liked it, but he was campaigning pretty hard for Ellis.  I do like the name Ellis, but I wasn't in love with it.  I was a little worried we'd be at that stalemate forever and that one of us would have just relent and learn to live with the name.  I read online how that has happened before, and I really didn't want it to happen with us.  Then Grant came up with having William be the first name instead of the middle.  I liked that idea, but then the question became: What would his middle name be?  We had solved one problem, only to gain another.  So then the same two names, Joseph and Ellis, were still the ones we were looking at.  I still really wanted Joseph, and he still really wanted Ellis.  I, obviously, relented and his middle name became Ellis.  Now, don't get me wrong, I do love William's name.  I'm pretty sad that we didn't use Joseph, though.  Isabelle's middle name is from me.  My middle name is Lynn as is my mother's.  Kensi's middle name is Marie after Grant's mother.  So with William being the last, and the only boy, I wanted him to have names from both sides of the family.  He could have had William for Grant's side, and Joseph from my side. What made me relent was the fact that William is the only boy, and (so far) is the only one to carry on the Tegtmeier name.  If you know Grant's family, from what I understand they are descendants from royalty.  When you get to know them, you can see it come out sometimes.  So it makes William almost the "golden child" in a sense because he's going to carry on the family name.  That kind of thing is very important to Grant, and so I decided that since it is that important to him, that I would "give" him the name he wants.  Don't misunderstand me, I am very happy with William's name.  It's a good, strong name that suits him very well.  I'll always be sad that we wont have a boy with the name Joseph in it, but it doesn't make me love William's name any less.

Im surprised

As I'm sitting in my bed waiting for William to fall back asleep, I'm struck with surprise for how quick I've been to go to him when he makes the slightest sound or starts to fuss. Part of that is I don't want him to wake up Grant since he hasn't been sleeping all that great, but I think the other part is just having a newborn/baby in the house again. When I was pregnant with him, I kept thinking "oh I know what I'm doing, this is my 3rd baby" but I still have questions and still want to run to him right away when he fusses. I posted a question on Facebook, and it felt a little weird. I felt like I should know it already, but at the same time I know each kid is different and I don't know everything. I know that he needs to learn to self soothe so that he's not dependant on me to fall back asleep, but that's definitely easier said than done. Kensi really never learned to self soothe because we were so worried about her waking up Isabelle that we also ran to her when she started fussing at night. With William, he won't be sharing a room so it's not quite as urgent that we get him back to sleep. I'm hoping that will help me not jump so fast when he fusses at night, well once he sleeps through the night and is in his own room at night.  Guess we'll find out soon enough!

Isnt it sad?

A little bit ago, I posted a picture of William sleeping in his pack n play bassinet downstairs.  He's on his tummy, and I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding that because of SIDS.  After I posted it, I went up to take a shower, and then started thinking about that post.  I did my caption, then at the bottom put a little disclaimer at the bottom of it.  I thought about the other times I've had to do that because I know there is always someone that will post on there how dangerous it is or that I shouldn't do it..ect.  Got me thinking more about it, and isn't it sad that I feel like I have to do that?  It seems like I cant post controversial things like that without fear of getting shamed or flamed for it.  Flamed meaning someone attacks me for it.  It doesn't just stop at posting things on Facebook, either.  I see the articles in the newspaper or the videos on Facebook of parents getting shamed for things; mothers for breastfeeding their kids in public, parents for feeding their child formula instead of breast milk, for putting their baby face forward before people think it's acceptable... the list goes on.  Why?  It makes it so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  The ones that get me the most are the breastfeeding in public and the formula versus breast milk. 

There is a picture going around on Facebook of Nicki Minaj with an outfit that leaves one breast hanging out with a pasty on it so it doesn't show her nipple.  The other side of the picture is a breastfeeding mother feeding her baby.  The caption reads something like "why is this acceptable, but this not?".  It's so very true.  It's just fine for someone to have their boobs all hanging out and people don't even bat an eye.  But a woman breastfeeds in public, and you cant even see the entire boob, let alone a nipple, and people are all up in arms about it.  How does that make sense?  It makes me mad to hear people tell the mother to take it to the bathroom.  Like really?  Nasty.  I never personally had an issue with this because I don't nurse, I pump and use a bottle, but what a way to make a woman feel really small and inferior.  I would love to see someone actually make the asshole who says it take his/her food into a bathroom and eat it.  See how it feels.  Maybe someone has, I don't know.  But I'd love to see it.  Yes, boobs are sexual...but they're also practical.  I really hope I'm alive to see breastfeeding in public more normalized and not so taboo.

I don't mind pumping too much, it makes me happy that I've been able to produce enough for all the kids to have it for at least the first 6 months of their life.  But if I'm perfectly honest, and I always try to be on here, I'd rather stop after a while and switch to formula.  Yes, breast milk has been proven to be better for the baby because of all the stuff that gets passed on from me.  But it's annoying to be hooked up to a pump for 15-20min every 3ish hours.  It feels really weird, and it makes my nipples constantly sensitive.  Plus the damn pads are annoying, and I'd like to not have to worry about milk leaking out so much that it overpowers the pad and goes onto my shirts.  It'd be nice to have my boobs back lol Plus, if formula was as bad as it's made out to be, it wouldn't be fed to babies.  It wouldn't be available to buy, and it would have been pulled from shelves a hell of a long time ago.  It's not as good as breast milk, but it does the job.  There is absolutely no shame in using formula instead of breast milk, whether by want or necessity.  I always think of when Isabelle was an infant and we were at my in laws.  A friend of theirs had come over and asked if I breast fed or used formula.  When I answered that I breastfed, she said "oh good, because formula is the devil" or something to that effect.  Number 1 - it shouldn't be anyone's business how I feed my baby and number 2 - just know that my baby is fed and happy.  I refuse to feel bad that I'd be more than ok with feeding William formula if we were ok with spending the money on it.  But breast milk is free lol and that's a huge thing for us right now. 

Raising kids is hard.  Taking care of infants is hard.  Why do people feel the need to make it even harder?  Dammit, stop it!

Daily Battle

Been chatting with a friend of mine on and off all day through Facebook Messenger.  Not about anything important, just random thoughts I have that I share with her, and we chat for a bit.  As I was folding laundry, I caught myself grabbing my phone to say something like "sorry for bugging you all day".  But I stopped myself right as I grabbed my phone.  Why am I sorry?  Well I know the answer to that, at least what my head is thinking; I was going to apologize because even though we're good friends, and she shares a lot of my humor, I felt like I was bugging her and she was secretly thinking "oh jeez, her again?".  Do I have any basis for that thought?  Not even a little bit.  If she really didn't want to chat, I'm pretty sure she just wouldn't answer me until she was able to.  But that's how I think, and I find it very irritating.  I tend to apologize because I think I bother people when I am the first to say something.  It's probably also why I never ask for help.  I never want to be a burden on people, and I think that if I do ask for help, that I will be.  People tell me all the time that if I need anything to let them know.  I can count the number of times on one hand that I've actually taken people up on that offer.  Even during my apartment fire back in 2010, I didn't ask for anything.  People just had to be like "Kris, come over and get this.", then I'd go get it, say thank you profusely, then feel bad that they got me something.  It's a vicious cycle in my head, and I'm really tired of it.  I didn't really get how bad I am at that until I started dating Grant.  He's the total opposite of me and never really understood why I said sorry so much.  I'm trying to break that cycle and put myself out there more, but it's really hard when you've been the same way for 30+ years.  Having the kids has also helped with that because I need that adult conversation, and I know my friends cant read my mind and all of the sudden stop in their tracks and be like "oh my Kris sense tells me she needs to talk" lol so I have to be the first to say something. 

I doubt I'll ever really get over it to where I wont feel like that anymore, and I'll probably battle it more than I'd like to, but it's a work in progress.  So just know that if I text you, or message you, that I probably started typing, deleted it, started again, and thought about what to say at least twice before you finally got the message.  Not because I want it to be "just right" or whatever, but because I'm battling my inner downer Kris that you wont be bothered if I do text/message you.  It's a battle I have every intention of winning, too.