Been chatting with a friend of mine on and off all day through Facebook Messenger. Not about anything important, just random thoughts I have that I share with her, and we chat for a bit. As I was folding laundry, I caught myself grabbing my phone to say something like "sorry for bugging you all day". But I stopped myself right as I grabbed my phone. Why am I sorry? Well I know the answer to that, at least what my head is thinking; I was going to apologize because even though we're good friends, and she shares a lot of my humor, I felt like I was bugging her and she was secretly thinking "oh jeez, her again?". Do I have any basis for that thought? Not even a little bit. If she really didn't want to chat, I'm pretty sure she just wouldn't answer me until she was able to. But that's how I think, and I find it very irritating. I tend to apologize because I think I bother people when I am the first to say something. It's probably also why I never ask for help. I never want to be a burden on people, and I think that if I do ask for help, that I will be. People tell me all the time that if I need anything to let them know. I can count the number of times on one hand that I've actually taken people up on that offer. Even during my apartment fire back in 2010, I didn't ask for anything. People just had to be like "Kris, come over and get this.", then I'd go get it, say thank you profusely, then feel bad that they got me something. It's a vicious cycle in my head, and I'm really tired of it. I didn't really get how bad I am at that until I started dating Grant. He's the total opposite of me and never really understood why I said sorry so much. I'm trying to break that cycle and put myself out there more, but it's really hard when you've been the same way for 30+ years. Having the kids has also helped with that because I need that adult conversation, and I know my friends cant read my mind and all of the sudden stop in their tracks and be like "oh my Kris sense tells me she needs to talk" lol so I have to be the first to say something.
I doubt I'll ever really get over it to where I wont feel like that anymore, and I'll probably battle it more than I'd like to, but it's a work in progress. So just know that if I text you, or message you, that I probably started typing, deleted it, started again, and thought about what to say at least twice before you finally got the message. Not because I want it to be "just right" or whatever, but because I'm battling my inner downer Kris that you wont be bothered if I do text/message you. It's a battle I have every intention of winning, too.
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