Am I the Only One?

I was making my bed, and telling William (4) to get dressed or I wont put on "Gabby"....aka Gabby's Dollhouse on Netflix. It got me thinking of just throughout the years of being a Mom, the approach that Grant and I have taken when it comes to teaching the kids to do every day things is different from what I see online. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, making beds, picking up after themselves, clearing their own dishes...ect. Once William turned 4, I really started noticing how many things he should be doing but he hasn't been. Not because he doesn't know how or anything, but because Grant and I never really made him do it. I just got so used to doing it for him, and with having 3 kids, it's really easy to let things like that slide until one day you wake up and realize how long you've been letting it "slide". But now that I noticed it, I set about to change it. The girls have "morning chores" every single morning; get dressed, brush their hair, brush teeth, and make bed. William wasn't doing any of that. He wasn't even getting himself dressed at all. He has started to want to do things himself, and it coincided pretty nicely with my realization so I started to have him do things for himself. Now I'm noticing that I do things a little differently than I see a lot of people doing on Facebook. I don't have much of a reward system. I'm apart of a few Mommy groups on Facebook, and it seems like almost every answer to a "how do I get my child to...." is a sticker chart, candy, money...ect. I really don't do that. I tried a sticker chart once with the girls and potty training, but it didn't last long and I haven't done one since. I don't really believe in rewards for doing things they should just be doing. Now I know that with potty training, the rewards are more to keep them motivated to do it right, but it is really easy to get stuck with having to do a reward every time. It reminds me of trying to keep the kids in their own beds only to get stuck in the cycle of always having to lay in their beds until they fall asleep. It can, and usually is, a vicious cycle. That is a huge reason as to why I never start that reward system to begin with. My kids have never gotten stickers for doing their morning chores. They don't get candy for picking up after themselves...never have. Starting from when they were around 3/4, they started to have to pick up their toys or put their dishes in the sink after a meal. There has never been anything more than a "good job, baby!" afterwards. Now that the girls are 6 and 8, they clear their dishes (and now have kitchen chores after supper) and pick up after themselves with minimal bitching. They still complain about it, but they do it. It's hard for me to ask for help in my Mommy groups because I know most of the answers are going to be rewards, and that's honestly just not helpful. Plus, I know it's mostly just legwork. Doing the work to get the result. I have never found a quick solution to any of the problems I've come against. It's putting them back in their beds every...single...time they get out. Sometimes that takes 3 hours. It's asking them if they have to potty every 5 seconds until they actually have to go, then praise them when they do. It's sitting them on the potty while watching a show so they get the chance to go in the potty, then get that praise. It's telling them, then reminding them, after each and every meal that they need to put their dishes in the sink. It's telling them to pick up their toys and put them away at the end of the night, and then sitting and making sure they actually do it. It's basically having your life be at a little bit of a standstill while you raise the kids to be the adults you want them to be. There's no shortcut. There's no reward system that will make it go quickly and smoothly each and every time it's tried. Now I'm not saying you have to be stuck inside your house all the time. But sometimes doing these things takes time. You want the reward of your child doing what they're supposed to...when they're supposed to? Put in the time and effort to teach them. Because I feel like this is going to be mentioned at some point.... this is not a knock against anyone that does a reward system. I'm sure it does work for some, and they don't get stuck in the cycle. I just found that it didn't work for me and that doing things the way my parents did has been the most effective.

I'm Worried and Sad and Mad....

I make sure to stay very quiet about my thoughts and feelings about COVID and the vaccine. I have noticed that it's almost impossible for anyone to stay respectful and decent when answering any comments on a thread. I read a lot of the comments when a news outlet shares a story, and the comments seriously make me shake my head. I've almost gave myself whiplash for how hard it shakes! It seems like society is really starting to go downhill. I see it more and more. It's starting to remind me of the intolerance from back when racism against blacks was running wild. I'm talking about prior to MLK, when it was widely accepted that they couldn't vote, or drink out of certain fountains, or eat in certain restuarants...the list goes on. I scroll on Facebook and see that exact same thing happening now. But instead of it being related to the color of your skin, it is all about whether or not you're for or against the vaccine or masks. It makes me really sad to see labels such as "anti maskers" and "anti vaxers" starting to become mainstream. How much more attacking and verbal abuse is going to be happening before people remember we're all human and entitled to have our own opinio? It's ridiculous to see someone be IMMEDIATELY attacked, and personally, for saying something that someone else doesn't agree with. Whatever happened to the phrase "to each their own"? It has become all but nonexistent, and that is not a good thing. With the rise of social media, it is way too easy to call someone out for something you don't like without there being any real consquence to it. I, for one, do love having Facebook because I get to keep up with people I wouldn't ordinarily be able to. But it also has a dark side, and I really don't think Mark Zuckerburg intended for it to be like that. People are being called stupid, ignorant, and sheep among a whole list of things. Can someone please tell me why people....and I mean grown ass adults....think this is ok? What are you teaching your kids? I'll tell you what you're teaching them. You're teaching them to hate someone that doesn't think like you. You're teaching them that calling someone names is ok. You're teaching them that they can bully the fuck out of someone, and it's ok because you're on the computer. You're teaching them that actions have no consequence. You're teaching them that being a bully is fine as long as no one says anything about it. Shall I go on? No? Ok then, I think you get the idea. We need to chill the hell out. I am so sick of seeing people act like they're the nasty bully on the playground. Guys, my daughters aer 6 and 8 and behave/act better than 90% of the people I'm reading comments from. That means that adults, that are raising kids and teaching them how to behave and act, are being way worse than children....lemme repeat that. THAT MEANS THAT ADULTS, THAT ARE RAISING KIDS AND TEACHING THEM HOW TO BEHAVE AND ACT, ARE BEING WAY WORSE THAT CHILDREN. I don't know about you guys, but that just breaks my heart. To see all the personal attacks, the sarcastic comments about others, the putting them down immediately, and the straight up vile comments become commonplace. That's not normal. That's not ok. You don't want your kids to be assholes and jerks? THEN STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE AND A JERK!

He's Quite Capable

It's been said a lot that once you get to your third or fourth child, that you just let them do whatever because the first two have beaten you down so much. While it was more intended to be funny, there is a lot of truth to that! 

I see the differences in my kids. My 7 year old is totally capable of doing things for herself. She has that want to learn and do for herself, which definitely helps. My 6 year old can do things for herself, but she would rather have me or my husband do them for her sometimes. My 3 year old doesn't want to do anything for himself. When I had Isabelle, being my first, she started doing chores and dressing herself and brushing her own teeth as soon as she was remotely able to. Kensi, too, started doing things like that right away. Part of that was because they are so close in age (16 months), that once Isabelle was ready, Kensi was too. With William being 3 years behind Kensi, he has had a major pass in that department. Part of the reason was because he is our last "baby" so I tended to do more for him because I kept seeing him as a baby. Another reason is because the first two keep me so busy that milestones got passed without me noticing. At 7 months, he wasn't sitting up by himself and I realized he was leaning against me when he should have been sitting. It hit me that he was 7 months old and wasn't doing anything he should have been. I was told a lot that all kids are different, but I know for a fact that part of the reason he has been so behind in things was because we never started working with him when we should have. 

Even now, being 3 years old, he's not talking as well as he should be. I hear boys are later talkers, and also having big sisters that are super helpful isn't helping either. But at 3, he should be speaking in sentences, whether broken or full. He's just started saying things like "Mama, Ninum in sunroom.". We had gotten him all set up for Preschool and Speech Therapy, but everything shut down for COVID when he was supposed to start. We work with him too, but we should have started with him much earlier. He starts Preschool/Speech Therapy in a couple weeks, so I'm super happy for him. He'll get to make friends and see how kids his own age can talk. I'm really hoping that will also kick start the speech for him and he'll catch up a little quicker.

With starting Preschool, I also realized that he hasn't been doing much for himself in the way of dressing or brushing his teeth. I'm just so used to getting him dressed and brushing his teeth that I don't think twice about doing it. The girls have their "morning chores'' as I call them. Every morning after breakfast, they have to get dressed, brush their teeth, make their beds, and brush their hair. It's the same every morning so they know what to do. William hasn't had to do any of that. I decided since he's going to have more of a routine being in school, he really should start that. Yesterday and today, I tried to get him to pick up his toys, dress himself, and make his bed. Those were almost epic fails. He's balking at doing it, but I'm guessing (and hoping) it's because he's just not used to doing it. Once we get into that school routine, and with the girls doing it too, he'll get into that rhythm. The girls start next Wednesday and he starts the Monday after that. I'm hoping that he'll get into it more once they start. 

It's hard not to feel like I'm failing him. He's been at least a year behind on almost everything from walking to talking to feeding himself to crawling to whatever else. At the core of it, it's because I didn't start getting him to sit up by himself until he was like 7 months old. Some days, I just look at him and feel so sad because I fear that he'll be behind his whole life. I know I'm taking it to the extreme a little bit, but it's hard not to feel like that sometimes. I'm not beating myself up on a daily basis or anything, but there are times where I see other kids his age doing way more than he is, and that makes me feel a bit sad. But now that we understand and accept that he needs help, we're getting him that help, and hopefully the rest will follow. 

What a Vicious Cycle

This year has been absolutely insane. Between the pandemic and the media hyping up Murder Hornets and whatever else, and now the huge outcry from the Black Lives Matter community, it's just straight up nuts right now. It's all I'm seeing on Facebook...which is understandable considering the death of George Floyd was incredibly heartbreaking and senseless. From what I've gathered, the man (notice I said 'man', not 'cop') who did it had some sort of history with him, so I'm guessing that played into it. I don't know for sure, that's just my thought.

But with everything going on, I've had so many thoughts just racing through my head at all times about it. I made the mistake of commenting on a post in anger, and that's not the way to do things. I know it, but it was a knee jerk reaction that I regret, and have since deleted. Before I did, two guys commented on it and it was pretty obvious they took offense. I don't ever intend or want to make anyone feel less than what they are, and it seems like right now that will be the only outcome should I post anything on Facebook right now. So I'm going to take a break from it and just try and get my anxiety back to normal. I had to get these thoughts down and the only place I feel "safe" is doing it here. Kind of ironic, isn't it? The only place I feel I can actually voice my opinion and hopefully not get attacked or shamed or belittled is on a blog....which I'm sure very few people read unless I post it on Facebook.

One of my traits, for better or worse, is being able to see both sides to a story. I try not to pass judgement and work to form an opinion instead. This whole situation has me seeing what an incredible cycle we seem to be stuck in with the black community. One of the comments that was made towards me was something to the effect of "sucks to be grouped, doesn't it?". Yes it does...I never said otherwise. What struck me is the very thing that some people are very upset about is also what they are doing to others. Let's get back to basics of human decency. "Treat others the way you would like to be treated". Isn't that the golden rule? It seems that there isn't a whole lot of that happening right now. I see the same things happening every time there is a death of a black person from a white person's hand; whether it be accidental or intentional. There is outrage and an outcry of change. There is a march and/or a protest of some sort which inevitably leads to riots in the streets. There are press conferences and leadership saying they hear the people. Things quiet down a bit, and everybody hopes change happens. What I don't ever see happening is the actual change, from both sides, that everybody wants done. Posts come out that "white people" do this and "black people" do that. It happens time and time again. Everybody wants to blame everybody else.

I really feel that needs to stop, on all sides. No change will ever happen when everyone is lumped into one category. Yes, I'm sure my ancestors did some really terrible things. Does that make me at fault? Just like the black community can't help the color of their skin, I can't help the family that I was born into. If I could just see some changes in that, it would give me great hope that things could and will get better.

The way things have been and are going, I really don't feel like any change is going to happen. It will be the same cycle until the end of time. It takes nothing to share a post or a picture or a meme or a gif or whatever else. It takes a lot more to take action. You want change? Be the change. Instead of typing out "white people" or "black people", type the person's or group's name instead. Stop grouping everyone into one category. Nobody is blameless. Everyone has a chance to inflict some real change. Catch is, you have to put your money where your mouth is and actually do something. It can be something so small as to be nice to a random person on the street. It can be as big as speaking to someone in charge to talk about some actual suggestions...

Actions speak louder than words. You want someone to see passed the color of your skin? See passed theirs....that goes for everyone, not just the black community.

Keep Calm and Get Dressed

Being a stay at home mom, it can be very easy to get into such a routine that it becomes a bit of a rut. There are some days, which can easily turn into a lot of days, where I question whether or not I should get dressed for the day. It's not so much a depressed "what's the point?" kind of thinking, but more of a "I'm not going anywhere and no one will see me, so why waste the clean clothes?" kind of thinking. But something Grant has said before, and I've probably heard too, is that you never know what the day will bring. I don't have any plans to go anywhere and I doubt anyone will see me, but you never know. Someone could stop by or I could figure out I need to run to the store quick for something.

Yesterday is a prime example of that. Yesterday was Wednesday, and Wednesday's are my cleaning day. It's where I clean the entire house and get all the laundry done. More often than not, I'm in comfy clothes....

⇦ ⇦⇦⇦  like that

Not exactly the most flattering outfit that I own :D but hey, I was running around the house like a chicken with it's head cut off! I wasn't looking for style points by any means. But as the day went on, we ran out of milk. Our family drinks/uses a lot of milk throughout the week. I use it in cooking and baking, William has a sippy cup of milk every morning, and the girls usually have a glass with breakfast. So being out of milk is kind of a big deal for us. It was getting close to when the girls would get home from school so I decided to wait for them. My original plan was to have Isabelle hold down the fort for 10 minutes while I ran up to the store. I figured the less I had to be out, the better. But the second I mentioned going, both girls were basically screaming with excitement that they wanted to go on a walk. Sooooooooo instead of being seen for 10 minutes, I was seen, with that sexy ass outfit, for a good half hour :D

 

Granted, it really didn't matter to me. Not like anyone has ever walked into a store looking a bit rough around the edges. But this is the reason why I try and get dressed/ready for the day every day. Even if I have absolutely no plans on leaving the house, except to get the mail.

 

Today, my plan is to make bread, possibly try my hand at homemade bagels, and do some odd things around the house. I don't plan on really doing anything else....but I still made sure to get dressed. My hair is up in a bun, and while I don't do the makeup thing, I am at least presentable!!

 

Moral of the story? When in doubt, just get dressed for the day. It'll help you feel like your day has really started and you can take on anything!



Those Little Big Moments

Do you ever have those moments in life that are so pure and so perfect, that you just couldn't possibly love your life more than you already do?

I had that today. My middle child, Kensi, is home from school today because her teachers have a "Kindergarten Roundup" for the next two days. It's where they screen the new kindergartners for the next school year. Kensi gets her weekend a bit early. Since Isabelle is in 1st grade, she had school today so it's just me, Kensi, and William.

I'm in the kitchen cleaning it up and I hear them just a-giggling away. Come around the corner to see this:

 

 

She had gotten on his bumblebee and was bouncing around. He saw her and wanted to get on it. So she scooted back (and almost fell off) to give him some room. He was one happy camper! They were both only on it for a few minutes before they got off, but it was a really sweet moment.

 

After a little while it got a little quieter in the house. Normally that would mean that something not good was happening. I hear Kensi in her sing song voice playing with Barbies. I can hear William ramming trucks together. Come around the other corner and see this:



 

 

They had gotten a little tired of playing with each other and started doing their own thing. But they made sure they were right next to each other.

 

I absolutely love how much love there is between these two. Kensi is old enough to play with her big sister, Isabelle, but still young enough to have fun with William too. He gets left out of a lot of things because he's the only boy. But Kensi always makes sure she makes time to play with him too. 

 

Being a stay at home mom is hard and sometimes I wonder if I should go back to work. Then I see moments like this and I just cant imagine missing them. I love being able to watch the kids grow into their own and have their own personalities. I didn't miss any first steps. I didn't miss any first words. I didn't miss any firsts with any of them. I have been here for it all.

 

 

Once William is in school, I'm going to get something part time to help with income. I'm almost dreading it because I love being home so much. I take so much pride in "keeping" my house. I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I get it all cleaned up and pretty. At the end of the night, after I've picked up from the day and have made my "Mommy Rounds", I just feel so content. My kids go to bed every night knowing with absolute certainty that Mommy will be here when they get up and when they get home from school.

 

These moments today make all the hard days worth it. There isn't enough money in the world that could buy me the moment I had today.



I saw a post on Facebook where a Mom found out her son had "put his hands on someone's daughter" so she made him use his birthday money to buy her gifts, and also write a heartfelt apology letter as well. My first, gut reaction was straight up applause. She not only nipped it in the bud, but she didn't make excuses and coddle him. I feel like kids nowadays are coddled way too much....but that could be just me.

 Anyway, there were a lot of comments praising her, but also a lot saying it could teach him that hitting girls is ok as long as you buy things for them after. Which, has some validity, I wont deny that........but.........he's a kid. Neither you or I have any idea what kind of conversation took place before and after that picture/post was done. I'm assuming that since she took the initiative to punish him in that way, there was also a conversation had about how it is wrong to hit girls. Really, nobody should be hitting anybody, but that's besides the point.

It bothers me how people will focus on the wrong thing then just blow it up. I bet there are a lot of parents that would just say "stop that" or some sort of verbal slap on the wrist. But not that mom. Nope, she went farther and I say good job!! She took the time, the patience, and the whining that probably came with having him buy that stuff to really teach him a lesson. One that will probably stick with him his whole life. You never know, that one action she did could be the one that he will always remember and will never hit another person in his life.....all because of that one time his mom made him buy a girl gifts out of his birthday money. To a kid, birthday money is like gold. My girls LOVE that they have their own birthday money. They're not allowed to use it, but they know it's theirs. I'm pretty sure it would break their hearts of Grant or I made them use it for something besides what they wanted. It would for sure have a lasting impression.

Moral of my little story....quit focusing on all the negative things a parent does. She did the best she knew how and that is a hell of a start! Don't tear her down because of what someone else did. Lift her up because she tried, and that's a lot more than some people do!!