I knew going into being a stay at home mom that there would be bad days. I'm not naïve enough to think that it's all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes the bad days aren't too bad, and some days they're just plain awful. Today was kinda in the middle, but heading toward that awful end. It started out good! The girls got their own breakfast (and we are now out of applesauce), they played a lot while I was puttering in the kitchen, and William was his happy self. Then just slowly throughout the day, it got progressively worse. Kensi just started having accident after accident after accident, William was doing his whole eat 2 to maybe 2.5oz then only napping for like an hour, Isabelle basically stopped listening and started being naughty....ect. It just seemed like someone flipped a damn switch! Kensi was getting tired and that doesn't help. You can always tell when she's really tired because any time she falls or gets bumped or anything, she just cries like she's really hurt. So I got to deal with that too. It was just all at once. Was really hoping Grant would be home at a normal time so that I could get a break. I was going to have him get the kids in bath and bed so I could just chill downstairs. But I guess that was just asking the Parenting Gods for too much. He's gone for the night so it was all me. Figured I'd skip the bath since they didn't get all that dirty being we were indoors, but do the brush teeth and get jammers on. Apparently that was the VERY wrong thing to do. Took me an hour to get them to stay in bed and laying down long enough to fall asleep. The rest of the time Kensi kept getting out of bed, then racing back in when she heard me coming. Then Izzy got in on the action. You know in the movies how the steam comes out of the persons ears when they're really mad? Ya, that was me. I felt like my head was about to explode and I was going to lose my shit. William, at least, went down really well. The only win I had today was the fact that both girls ate a really good supper.
Now that they're in bed and I can finally breathe again, I'm going to nurse the last glass of wine in my bottle, grab my yarn to work on Kensi's blanket, and read some more while listening to Jazz. I need to get myself re-centered again. I still feel really wound up. Guys, pray for me that both girls stay down all night and that William has a really good night. I need it!
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Monday, April 10, 2017
Post baby emotions
William is just over 2 months old now, and we've really started getting into a new rhythm. Of course, we had been in one before, but since he's growing so fast, he's also starting to stay awake more and more so I have to switch up how I do things. Right now, he's laying in his pack n play playing with that toy bar that goes over it. I added the hanging monkey that usually goes on his car seat, and man is he having a blast! It makes me really happy that he's starting to play a little more, and it isn't just he's awake for 5 minutes after eating then falls back asleep. Granted, that was really nice too because I got A TON of stuff done right away.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the topic:
I was a bit worried after I had him that I would get postpartum depression. I hadn't with the other girls, but with William I did feel a little differently than normal. With the girls, I bounced back pretty quick to my old self. With William, I could feel the changes in how I was acting and thinking. Without realizing it, I also became way less lovey with Grant, and that's totally not normal for me. I wasn't as cuddly, and when he got home from work, I didn't smile really big or come crash into him for a big hug (even though I cant really crash into him now or it'll hurt the boobers lol). I just kinda went about my business of cleaning or doing dishes. I wasn't trying to be aloof, it was more just that I was trying to get done with what I was doing. Plus, the girls always came running for a big hug and kiss from daddy, so I always stayed in the back to let them get their hugs. I had read something on Facebook, and it made me realize how distant I had become, but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until Grant mentioned it one night. Then I knew I needed to think/worry less about cleaning and such when Grant was home, and focus on us and our family more. With the kids, it's easy because I'm with them 24/7, but with Grant, he hasn't been home all that much since it started warming up because work had started keeping him away during the week. So I got into my routines and just didn't feel as lovey as I normally am. The stress and frustrations of having 3 kids so close in age started to impact me more than I thought. I got frustrated faster with the girls, and that William was getting up so much at night. I knew he would, but I didn't think it would be as hard on me as it was. It was/is really hard to not be like "ok Bubby, you're home now...here's the kids!" so I could have a break. It's a really delicate balancing act because while he's not home all day like I am, he's at work busting his ass to make sure he can provide for us. It's not easy, and it's not like he's at a desk job either. So at the end of the day, we're both really tired and wanting to just rest...but we cant really rest until the kids go down for the night. The nice thing is that William goes down around the same time as the girls do, so as long as he stays sleeping, we can just chill on the couch and talk or watch our shows. That helps, but that's only a few hours a night.
We don't get a lot of us time either. I think he gets more of the "me" time than I do. He's been able to go on trips (he hasn't in the last few years though, sadly) with friends, he's taken his sled out a few times this year (he wasn't gone for a whole day though), and he's gone out to the bar with friends a few times too. I haven't really gotten any of that. Hell, I'm not even sure I can take a trip, just me...like ever. Since the kids aren't in daycare, he'd have to take off the entire time I'm gone and end up burning his vacation too. Even if we found a way for me to go, I'd want to wait until I'm done pumping too. Because who wants to be on vacation, but still have to be attached to a pump every few hours? It just wouldn't be as fun. I just don't get a break from the every day. I've had people tell me to ask for help when I need it, but there's not too many people that I can call to help me. To be perfectly honest, there are only 5 people that I would feel comfortable asking to watch the kids for a few hours, and only 2 of them aren't family members. I'm sure some of you on Facebook are thinking "I'll watch them!!". I thank you, but here's the thing...and please don't be offended. There's a huge difference (in my mind) between friends and Facebook friends. If I haven't seen your face in real life for a long time, then I'm not going to be comfortable having you watch my kids for me. I really do appreciate the thought and offer, though. Plus, what would I call them for? If I was going to go somewhere, maybe. Then it becomes, what would I do if I went somewhere? I don't have the money to just go take a shopping trip. The whole "spa day" I really want is more of a fantasy right now. So then what's the point of going anywhere?
Knowing all of that makes it hard sometimes. There are days where I just want to sit and cry for a bit because it's the only way I feel like I can safely get out the emotions. I've thought about calling one of my brothers or sisters in law, but I always chicken out. Mostly because I feel like I'm being dramatic, and I feel like I know what they're going to say anyway, so I just say it in my head and call it good. I've vented to friends before when I need to, but that has backfired a bit a few times, so I'm not sure I can do that anymore. Not very often do I seriously get down on things, but it does happen. I just try and take the little joys throughout the day and also give myself little pep talks. It helps, so that's good. Overall, I'm still in good mental health...but I'm human and I have bad days too. I'm just glad I have my girls who tell me a lot during the day that they love me, William and his big smiles when he sees me, and Isabelle's "you're my mom" really help lift me back up!
Anyway, I digress. Back to the topic:
I was a bit worried after I had him that I would get postpartum depression. I hadn't with the other girls, but with William I did feel a little differently than normal. With the girls, I bounced back pretty quick to my old self. With William, I could feel the changes in how I was acting and thinking. Without realizing it, I also became way less lovey with Grant, and that's totally not normal for me. I wasn't as cuddly, and when he got home from work, I didn't smile really big or come crash into him for a big hug (even though I cant really crash into him now or it'll hurt the boobers lol). I just kinda went about my business of cleaning or doing dishes. I wasn't trying to be aloof, it was more just that I was trying to get done with what I was doing. Plus, the girls always came running for a big hug and kiss from daddy, so I always stayed in the back to let them get their hugs. I had read something on Facebook, and it made me realize how distant I had become, but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until Grant mentioned it one night. Then I knew I needed to think/worry less about cleaning and such when Grant was home, and focus on us and our family more. With the kids, it's easy because I'm with them 24/7, but with Grant, he hasn't been home all that much since it started warming up because work had started keeping him away during the week. So I got into my routines and just didn't feel as lovey as I normally am. The stress and frustrations of having 3 kids so close in age started to impact me more than I thought. I got frustrated faster with the girls, and that William was getting up so much at night. I knew he would, but I didn't think it would be as hard on me as it was. It was/is really hard to not be like "ok Bubby, you're home now...here's the kids!" so I could have a break. It's a really delicate balancing act because while he's not home all day like I am, he's at work busting his ass to make sure he can provide for us. It's not easy, and it's not like he's at a desk job either. So at the end of the day, we're both really tired and wanting to just rest...but we cant really rest until the kids go down for the night. The nice thing is that William goes down around the same time as the girls do, so as long as he stays sleeping, we can just chill on the couch and talk or watch our shows. That helps, but that's only a few hours a night.
We don't get a lot of us time either. I think he gets more of the "me" time than I do. He's been able to go on trips (he hasn't in the last few years though, sadly) with friends, he's taken his sled out a few times this year (he wasn't gone for a whole day though), and he's gone out to the bar with friends a few times too. I haven't really gotten any of that. Hell, I'm not even sure I can take a trip, just me...like ever. Since the kids aren't in daycare, he'd have to take off the entire time I'm gone and end up burning his vacation too. Even if we found a way for me to go, I'd want to wait until I'm done pumping too. Because who wants to be on vacation, but still have to be attached to a pump every few hours? It just wouldn't be as fun. I just don't get a break from the every day. I've had people tell me to ask for help when I need it, but there's not too many people that I can call to help me. To be perfectly honest, there are only 5 people that I would feel comfortable asking to watch the kids for a few hours, and only 2 of them aren't family members. I'm sure some of you on Facebook are thinking "I'll watch them!!". I thank you, but here's the thing...and please don't be offended. There's a huge difference (in my mind) between friends and Facebook friends. If I haven't seen your face in real life for a long time, then I'm not going to be comfortable having you watch my kids for me. I really do appreciate the thought and offer, though. Plus, what would I call them for? If I was going to go somewhere, maybe. Then it becomes, what would I do if I went somewhere? I don't have the money to just go take a shopping trip. The whole "spa day" I really want is more of a fantasy right now. So then what's the point of going anywhere?
Knowing all of that makes it hard sometimes. There are days where I just want to sit and cry for a bit because it's the only way I feel like I can safely get out the emotions. I've thought about calling one of my brothers or sisters in law, but I always chicken out. Mostly because I feel like I'm being dramatic, and I feel like I know what they're going to say anyway, so I just say it in my head and call it good. I've vented to friends before when I need to, but that has backfired a bit a few times, so I'm not sure I can do that anymore. Not very often do I seriously get down on things, but it does happen. I just try and take the little joys throughout the day and also give myself little pep talks. It helps, so that's good. Overall, I'm still in good mental health...but I'm human and I have bad days too. I'm just glad I have my girls who tell me a lot during the day that they love me, William and his big smiles when he sees me, and Isabelle's "you're my mom" really help lift me back up!
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