The day is over, and everyone is in bed....well everyone except me, of course. I had to pick up from the day, and just do a couple odds and ends that I hadn't gotten done before. But both girls are all fresh faced and sleeping soundly. Even Grant is sleeping, which isn't surprising since he's been go go go all weekend. Normally, I view weekends as a sort of reprieve of having to do everything by myself. Grant is home and I can ask him for help doing things, or just have him take point on the girls so I can sit for a while. But this weekend, it's been like he's been at work the whole time. He's been helping a friend remodel a room in his mom's house. So he's been leaving around 8:30am and not getting home until right at supper, or even after. So it's been up to me to do everything; keep the house clean, plan and make the meals, do any shopping that needs to be done, and tonight I had to get the girls in bed by myself too. Normally it's not too terrible, but it's getting harder the more pregnant I'm becoming. It really helps to have Grant push the cart with either or both girls in it and I can just walk. Since he wasn't home to help, I had to do it myself. It was only about an hour that we were gone, but at the end it felt like 4 hours. I got home and my back was just killing me. I was able to sit down for a little bit, but then I had to get up and make supper, then do the dishes, then get the girls in bath, get them out and in jammers, brush teeth, then read story before bed. Thank God they went down really nice, that helps a lot. Now I have a moment to myself to where I can get some of these thoughts down that have been pinging around in my head.
As I said before, being a stay at home mom is getting almost harder the more pregnant I am. I'm almost 8 months, and it's really starting to feel that way. Normally, I'm tired and that's about as far as it goes. But now, I'm starting to hurt when I'm up too long. So it's really a balance between resting and putting my feet up and making sure the house is still running. When Grant took this job a few years ago, I knew the time he was away would be a little harder on me because I really had to step up to the plate. Until recently, it wasn't bad. But I know these last couple months until the baby is born is going to suck major ass for me. It's hard enough to not see another adult, let alone have an adult conversation, for days at a time, but also factor in the physical part...and it's a whole new ballgame. It's been a little bit of a struggle not to get mad when Grant says he wants to go out with friends, or he's been asked to help with something. And it's not because I think he's doing anything wrong...not by a long shot. It's more of me being a little selfish and thinking "what about me??". I haven't really been able to hang out with friends for a while now. I cant go out for a beer with anyone, and just even being out and about is hard enough. But it doesn't stop the want and it doesn't keep the loneliness at bay when it starts to creep up. I'm sure anyone that's a stay at home mom can agree that you get lonely after a while when the only other adults you see are shoppers at grocery stores or the cashiers. I've started to almost become dependent on Grant to be that other adult when he's home...even though I know he's had a hard week and just wants to relax or get some stuff done that he's been putting off. One good thing about me is that I know when I'm being foolish and I can stop that line of thinking before it comes out and he starts to worry that I'm not happy with how our life is. But I am. I may bitch and moan a lot, but at the end of the day, I still love being at home with my girls. I cant imagine going back to work full time and missing all the moments that I've been able to be apart of. It's just adding being pregnant and hormonal to the mix is really throwing me for a loop. But I know I just have to get through these next couple months and I wont be as sore and achy as I am now. I can go back to being "me" and not this sometimes hormonal mess that I seem to be becoming. I know my hormones can be out of whack for a while, but at least I'll be able to bathe my children without my back killing me or my legs starting to hurt. I'll be able to walk up the stairs with a basket of laundry without breathing like I've run a marathon. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will get better, and it will be fun like it was before. I love being pregnant, and I love being a stay at home mom....but the two together aren't exactly a picnic lol
****DISCLAIMER**** I don't resent Grant for anything and I don't hate staying home anymore. My hormonal side hates when he goes out, by my logical side knows better. I don't want anyone to think that I'm starting to resent him or actually get mad. I'm not. I still love him, and my life. But it helps to vent out when things are hard so it doesn't fester.
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